Wednesday, December 30, 2009

..4 new year's resolutions..

It's that time of year again! Time to make goals for the new year. Hopefully time to STICK to the goals for the new year... So here are a few of mine.

1. (shocker) Get back into shape. Currently I am a shape. I am round. Round is a shape. Most people know that I used to dance. I love it. And that is the one thing in my life that I really really miss about my past. So I am going to get back in the gym and start going to dance classes again. And eating healthy... which is worse than exercising :) But every year, I make this goal and every year I eff it up within the first month or two. But this time, I WILLLLLL follow through. There ya go. Created the intention. Done.

2. Focus. This is kind of a broad spectrum. I need to have more focus at work (aka, maybe not updating my blog while I'm working) (the new year hasn't started yet!). I get too distracted. I need to up my performance and really work on getting where I want to go. I need to focus on myself. This goes along with goal #1, but also focusing on getting my financial situation where it needs to be. I have done AMAZINGLY better in the last 6 months or so, but that was from really shitty rock bottom, so I still have a ways to go. I just want to make my life the best it can possibly be, and that is going to require me being a little more selfish and really changing certain things in my life. I'm up for it.

3. Go back to school. I was really bummed out with the Westminster thing fell through last year. I was so ready to go, but... there are no accidents. Obviously it wasn't my "time" to go back to school. But I am ready. I need to do this for myself and my future. So mark my words, by fall 2010, I will be in a financial place to be able to go back to school. Woooooo.

4. Drama free the way to be. I know there is always going to be drama in life. Things aren't always going to go my way and bad things will sometimes happen. But there is a big difference between drama you can't control and drama that you can. I choose to rid myself of the drama that I can control. I feel I've gotten rid of a major source of a lot of that drama, so now I just have to make sure to keep it that way.

All in all, over the last few weeks, I feel like this is a really big time for me. A time to shed all the baggage and hurt and the negativity and to really make a big change for myself. I have the most amazing people in my life right now. People who love me for me. Who are dependable and genuine and just truly wonderful people. They challenge me to be a better person and make me want to be. I feel like 2010 could be a really amazing year and I'm excited to see what it holds.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

..according to you..

So... if you know me at all, I am the biggest lyric whore in the whole wide world. I use songs for EVERYTHING. I'm actually really bad at verbalizing the way I feel. ESPECIALLY if I'm emotional or upset about something. You know the feeling when you hear a song that totally hits you? I get chills. I lose my breath. I get teary eyed. I might be crazy. Lol.

So the other day I was driving in my car and this song came on. I feel it pretty well describes the way I have felt for a really long time with certain people in my life. So here are the lyrics. Love them.

According to You - Orianthi

According to you I'm stupid, I'm useless,
I can't do anything right.
According to you I'm difficult, hard to please, forever changing my mind.
I'm a mess in a dress, can't show up on time, even if it would save my life.
According to you. According to you.

But according to him I'm beautiful, incredible, he can't get me out of his head.
According to him I'm funny, irresistible, everything he ever wanted.
Everything is opposite, I don't feel like stopping it, so baby tell me what I got to lose.
He's into me for everything I'm not, according to you.

According to you I'm boring, I'm moody, you can't take me any place.
According to you I suck at telling jokes cause I always give it away.
I'm the girl with the worst attention span; you're the boy who puts up with that.
According to you. According to you.

But according to him I'm beautiful, incredible, he can't get me out of his head.
According to him I'm funny, irresistible, everything he ever wanted.
Everything is opposite, I don't feel like stopping it, so baby tell me what I got to lose.
He's into me for everything I'm not, according to you.

I need to feel appreciated, like I'm not hated. oh-- no--.
Why can't you see me through his eyes? It's too bad you're making me decide.

According to me you're stupid, you're useless, you can't do anything right.

But according to him I'm beautiful, incredible, he can't get me out of his head.
According to him I'm funny, irresistible, everything he ever wanted.
Everything is opposite, I don't feel like stopping it, baby tell me what I got to lose.
He's into me for everything I'm not, According to you.

According to you. According to you I'm stupid, I'm useless, I can't do anything right
(end)

That's all! Loves!

Thursday, December 24, 2009

.."sometimes things falls apart so that better things can fall into place"

Happy holidays!

The last few weeks have been rough for me. Stress to the max. I've been an unstable emotional wreck. Drama.Drama.Drama. Paula, Kyle and Robbie ended the lease on our apartment (a month after they told me there was no way to end it when I was trying to move out). They didn't discuss it with me. I just got a text message one Sunday telling me that I needed to be out on December 31st. So that pushed the panic button for me in trying to find a place. At Christmas time. In three weeks. *cue anxiety attack* Then Gray moved out. He was my ally. He had my back. I didn't feel so alone in that house. Then me and Josh started having all this awkwardness between us. I felt really really alone. I let it get to me a little bit.

Well... This week I've really been reflecting. And the quote "sometimes things fall apart so better things can fall into place" came to mind. My life for the last four years has been sporadic. Sporadic friends. Sporadic living situations. Roommates. Jobs. Etc. Etc. I always feel like the rug is being pulled out from under me. Like my world is falling apart. But then I realized, without all those people who have come and gone, without all the things I've been through and had to weather, I wouldn't be who I am today. I wouldn't have the amazing people in my life that I have right now.

For the FIRST time in my life, I feel like I'm moving forward. I am putting negativity behind me. Is my life perfect? No. Not by any means. But I want to live. I want to make the most of the time I have and the people that I'm living with. I have REALLY unbelievable people in my life. I am lucky to have a family that I get along well with. Some people don't have that. A LOT of people don't have that. I have amazing friends who have HONESTLY become family to me. I have the BEST friend in the world who knows everything about me and loves me in spite of all of that.

I have held onto a lot of things in the past. Grudges, hurt feelings and betrayal. A new year seems like a really good time to let go of all of that. And I'm excited to see what 2010 brings. :)