..rainy thoughts..

This week has pretty much sucked all kinds of nuts. Defs not in a good way. So some thoughts for the close of the week:

- I love rain. I am moving to Seattle. Done.

- I am an idiot. I blow the tiniest things out of proportion and cause huge amounts of drama because of my own insecurities. Then I have a panic attack because I realize that I'm doing it and over compensate to fix it. And cause more drama. I don't want to be that person anymore. I'm extremely lucky to have the people that I have in my life, in my life (one person in particular) and I need to stop thinking that it's "too good to be true" and that every one of them is going to screw me over. I get in this mind set of "hurt them before they hurt you". So I pull away fast and end up pissing people off when there really isn't a problem. Gotta stop that.

- Hmm... Soooo... I am a big believer in second chances. I am nowhere near perfect, and I've had to use my (as Mindy and Brandon so LOVINGLY put it) Get Out of Jail Free card quite a few times in my life with different people for different reasons. So I feel that in order to have good karmic balance, it's necessary to extend that to other people when I feel they've done me wrong. That being said, how many chances are too many? If you've given someone 5, 6 or 7 chances to change and to be a better person, and they still screw you over, isn't it okay to walk away and say "no more"? What if this said person has just suffered a huge loss and their world is crumbling apart and they come back to you and say they aren't that person they've proven themselves time and time again to be? Do you give them yet another "chance"? I'm currently wrestling with this little dilemma. My gut is screaming at me not to trust it. My instinct is telling me to run away, and fast. But the people in my life seem to think that this person may have finally hit the bottom and really is changing. Does that mean they get a free pass? To cancel out all the things they've said and done to me that have caused irreversable damage to me mentally and emotionally? I realize how dramatic that sounds, but I'm not even slightly joking. I just really feel like if this person is making a change in their life, that is great. But that doesn't mean they should get a "redo" with everyone in their life who they really hurt. Learn. Move on. Apply it to the new people who come into your life. Right? I don't know. Bah. Biggest frustration in my life.

- I am loving my job right now. On the flip, I am extremely discouraged. I really am working my ass off but I can't get anything to stick. And my center is a big peice of crap. Everyone who calls is interested in one of the other centers. All the maintenence and repairs and upgrades and blah blah blah go to the other centers. My carpet is pretty much falling apart and yet, they give one of the other centers new carpet... when their carpet was already WAY nicer than what I have. So you want me to sell space in a center that is already Class B space... AND smells like nasty cafeteria food, BUT you won't help me out so that it looks a little bit nicer. COME ON PEOPLE. I have had 3 people put in their notices in the last week. It's not because they don't like it here, but STILL, that is extremely aggravating. I feel like a failure. Bah.

- I have a feeling I'm going to hate my apartment once summer hits. It's barely reached 70 degrees in the last month and that day, it was already hot as hell in my apartment and my tiny motel room A/C unit sucks. It just smells mildewy. So I can't even imagine how it's going to be when it's 100 degrees outside. And anyone who knows me knows there are three things that make me a bitch. Being hot. Being hungry. Being tired. So yeah. Good times this summer.

- I want a puppy. Whoever buys me one can officially be my new best friend. Although, at this point, I'm not sure that's a title anyone wants. But whatever.

That's all. Shalom bitches.

..music for life (pissed version) edition 1..

It's been awhile. I always want to be witty and fun on here so it discourages me from writing when I am not. :) I am not going to be witty today either, but I've been dealing with a situation this week that made me realize (once again) that I use music for EVERYTHING in my life. When I'm upset or happy or hurt or angry, there is always a song to identify. So through my awesome girlfriends, Mindy and Jenna, we pretty much have the market cornered on playlists for when we're pissed/hurt/over the boys (or anyone really, but mostly boys) that are in our lives. For your (or mostly my own) entertainment, my"pissed off playlist" (including some of my favorite lyrics):

Undo It -Carrie Underwood
"Now your photos don't have a picture frame,
and I never say your name and I never will.
All your things, well I threw them in the trash,
and I'm not even sad"

You're Not Sorry - Taylor Swift
"All this time I was wasting hoping you would come around.
I've been giving out chances every time and all you do is let me down.
And it's taken me this long, baby but I figured you out.
And you're thinking we'll be fine again, but not this time around"

Take a Bow - Rihanna
"Grab your clothes and get gone.
You better hurry up before the sprinklers come on.
Talking about "Girl I love you, you're the one".
This just looks like a rerun. Please. What else is on?"

How Strong Are You Now? - Rascal Flatts
"Before she left you told yourself it can't hurt that much
Now you're doubled over like you took a punch.
No she ain't coming back, tell me how much can you take of that?
How strong are you now? Without her around?
You can't even keep one little bitty tear from falling down.
Tell me how strong are you now?"

Fearless - Colbie Caillat
"Then this is how it ends and I'm alright with it, you're never gonna see me cry cause I've cried
So go on, go on and break my heart, I'll be okay.
There's nothing you can do to me, that's ever gonna bury me"

Brave - Idina Menzel
"If this is the moment I stand here on my own.
If this is my right of passage that somehow leads me home
I might be afraid, but it's my turn to be brave.
If this is the last chance before we say goodbye,
at least it's the first day of the rest of my life.
I can't be afraid, it's my turn to be brave"


No Reins - Rascal Flatts
"She left that loser in a dust cloud, heart in his hand, chin on the ground,
cried her last tear for that clown, she can see a little clearer now"


Songs Like This - Carrie Underwood
"If it wasn't for guys like you, there wouldn't be songs like this,
and if you hadn't gone and done me wrong, I wouldn't go off like this.
Yeah, even I'm surprised how easy sweet reveng rolls off my lips
If it wasn't for guys like you there wouldn't be songs like this"

Forever and Always - Taylor Swift
"Was I out of line? Did I say something way too honest that made you run and hide
like a scared little boy?
I looked into your eyes, thought I knew you for a minute, now I'm not so sure."

Everything You're Not - Demi Lovato
"I've been bruised and I've been broken, can't believe that I put up with all this pain.
I've been used and I was choking on the promise I would never fall again.
I used to sing to your twisted symphony.
The words that had me trapped inside your misery
But now I know the reason that I couldn't breathe.
Cause all I want is everything you're not
So go ahead and slam the door cuz you can't shut me out.
No I don't, don't care what you say
Cuz all I really, all I really want is everything you're not"

That's all for now! Tata!