So normally I am the girl that is like "I HATE VALENTINES DAY! DEATH TO LOVE! DEATH TO COUPLES!" Ogre, ogre, ogre. I pretty much was planning on being that way this year too. I've never had an actual Valentine on Valentines Day. And OBVIOUSLY, as there is a holiday for it, everyone else in the world does. Haha. It's a bit depressing. But after this year, I kind of decided that I don't hate it as much as I had pretended. Do I have a boyfriend? No. Nothing has changed in that department. But I spent last night with Jessica and Aaron. We had the best night. We made heart shaped pizzas and ate food that was terrible for us. We watched lovey dovey movies and took pictures and had an amazing night. While I was with them, something clicked for me. As much as Valentines is commercialized as a "couples holiday", it really is just a day to celebrate love. And I am not lacking in that area. Friendship love is JUST as much worth celebrating as romantic love. I have people in my life who I can be completely myself with. Who I would do anything for. Who would do anything for me. That is WORTH acknowledging.
So I no longer am on the bitter betty wagon for V Day. I just changed what it meant to me. :)
Monday, February 15, 2010
Monday, January 25, 2010
..more people that make my life wonderful..
I'm in the thankful type mood again. When I had everyone over for dinner last night, I was just sitting there thinking about the amazing people I have in my life. People who I can completely be myself with. We're not always mature. We're not always grown ups. We're not perfect. But we are loving life right now and they honestly make me such a happier person. So I wanna do a little shout out.
2) Gray. I have known Gray since he was a ripe little age of 15. Back in the day when we would make fun of him and try to convince him he was gay. We lost touch for a little while, but reconnected a few years ago. I'm woman enough to admit I had a teeny tiny crush on him. Obviously I got over that, but this past summer, he saved me. He came back full force into my life when I needed him the most. He was my run to guy. For everything. He defended me. He supported me. He consoled me when my heart was broken. He is so much younger than me but I look up to him so much. He is so driven and I know he is going to make a huge name for himself.
3) Aaron. He is another friend that I haven't known very long, but feel like I've known my whole life. Aaron is my pick me up. He tells me what I need to hear when I need to hear it. He never fails to make me feel better. He makes me laugh constantly. I don't feel like I ever have to impress him or be anything other than what I am. Aaron is the gay boy that if he were straight, we would get married. :) Maybe he is the gay boy that even though he is gay, we will still get married :) "We'll just have sex on the side, like married people do".
4) Lindsea. Oh how I love this girl. I don't think I've ever been this close to a friend girl. I just don't trust them. But Lindsea is completely different. Josh, Lindsea and Gray were LITERALLY the reasons that I made it through the summer. We were the Fantastic Four. Things have changed a little bit and we aren't able to hang out as much as we used to but I still adore her and she will continue to be one of my best friends always.
5) Matt. Amazing is what this boy is. He pretty much can outdance anyone that I know, and has a heart of gold. I have never met ANYONE like him. He is so comfortable with himself and that is such a foreign concept to me. I admire him so much for that. He makes me strive for that in my own life.
1) Josh. There is HONESTLY not enough that I could say about him. We've only been friends a little bit over 6 months, but I can safely say that he knows more about me than anyone. We've been through a boatload of things that secured this bond that we have and as hard as it was at the time, I am so extremely grateful for it. He is possibly one of the best people I know. He's 100% honest with me, which helps me put 100% trust in him. He's real & genuine and AMAZINGLY talented. He doesn't see that in himself sometimes, but luckily he has a best friend that has no problem reminding him. :) This little paragraph doesn't even do him justice, but I am truly, truly blessed to have him in my life.
2) Gray. I have known Gray since he was a ripe little age of 15. Back in the day when we would make fun of him and try to convince him he was gay. We lost touch for a little while, but reconnected a few years ago. I'm woman enough to admit I had a teeny tiny crush on him. Obviously I got over that, but this past summer, he saved me. He came back full force into my life when I needed him the most. He was my run to guy. For everything. He defended me. He supported me. He consoled me when my heart was broken. He is so much younger than me but I look up to him so much. He is so driven and I know he is going to make a huge name for himself.
3) Aaron. He is another friend that I haven't known very long, but feel like I've known my whole life. Aaron is my pick me up. He tells me what I need to hear when I need to hear it. He never fails to make me feel better. He makes me laugh constantly. I don't feel like I ever have to impress him or be anything other than what I am. Aaron is the gay boy that if he were straight, we would get married. :) Maybe he is the gay boy that even though he is gay, we will still get married :) "We'll just have sex on the side, like married people do".
4) Lindsea. Oh how I love this girl. I don't think I've ever been this close to a friend girl. I just don't trust them. But Lindsea is completely different. Josh, Lindsea and Gray were LITERALLY the reasons that I made it through the summer. We were the Fantastic Four. Things have changed a little bit and we aren't able to hang out as much as we used to but I still adore her and she will continue to be one of my best friends always.
5) Matt. Amazing is what this boy is. He pretty much can outdance anyone that I know, and has a heart of gold. I have never met ANYONE like him. He is so comfortable with himself and that is such a foreign concept to me. I admire him so much for that. He makes me strive for that in my own life.
6) Jessica. Another girl who I absolutely adore. I met her through Gray last summer. It was a super awkward meeting and I didn't really get to know her very well until this past fall. I'm so glad I did. She is such an unbelievable person. She has this strength about her that I just feed off of. She is so strong and motivated and just a great person inside and out. She has sincerely become one of my closest friends and I can't imagine my life without her.
So this was super cheesy. I don't care. I love my friends. I love my life. That's all. :)
..all growed up (or why living by yourself is awesome)..
I moved! Yay! My OWN apartment. Just me. No roommates. No refugees. Nothing. Just me. It's strange how much of a difference it makes, even in just the day and a half that I've been there. I feel happier (cheesy) already. It's mostly the little things that make a difference. I can turn the heater up however high I want. I can burn whatever scentsy smells I want. I had everyone over for dinner last night. I don't have to worry about anyone getting angry or upset if people are over late. I can watch what I want. I can do what I want. I've NEVER had this before. It just makes me feel so much more grown up.
At first I was really hurt and scared that I had to get a place myself. I felt like there was something wrong with me because all my old roommates moved in and got a place together and no one wanted to live with me. But I HONESTLY believe this was the best thing that could have happened right now. This is a HUGE step forward for me. And I'm really proud of myself.
:) 2010 is starting off the right way :)
At first I was really hurt and scared that I had to get a place myself. I felt like there was something wrong with me because all my old roommates moved in and got a place together and no one wanted to live with me. But I HONESTLY believe this was the best thing that could have happened right now. This is a HUGE step forward for me. And I'm really proud of myself.
:) 2010 is starting off the right way :)
Friday, January 8, 2010
..a few things i've learned over time..
So I've just been thinking about how much I've learned over the last few years. To a lot of people some of them are probably "Uhhh... it took you years to figure that out?" but... I have to figure things out for myself. And sometimes it takes awhile. Obviously these aren't ALL the things I've learned, but just a few more monumental ones for me specifically:
I've learned that no matter how much you care about someone, it doesn't guarantee they will be in your life forever. It doesn't mean that your bff is going to be your... bff. That in no way means that you shouldn't enjoy them while you have them, if anything, it's the opposite. Everyone comes into our lives for a reason (thank you Wicked), whether it be to teach us something or show us what we don't want out of life. But that's no guarantee that they will always be there. Just the lessons that they bring.
I've learned that sometimes... distance DOES make a difference. I'm an expert on this scenario. I've had pretty much all the important people in my life move away from me at some point or another. And not just down the street... out of the state, out of the COUNTRY. Everyone always says "Nothing will change... Things will be exactly the same". That's not true at all. Maybe you WANT them to be the same. Maybe you will TRY to make them the same. But if I see you every single day, and you move to a different state, things are going to change, no matter how hard you try to keep them the same. I've learned recently that even a SMALL distance can sometimes change things. It's almost sad that a difference of 15 minutes can seem like 3000 miles to some people.
I've learned that sometimes the people you put as priorities in your life, only put you as options in theirs. There is always going to be the person in any sort of relationship or friendship that cares more, that makes more of the effort. That's just the way it goes. And everyone is on both sides of that equation at some point, in some relationship in their life. Sometimes I get so frustrated with people who don't make as big as an effort as I do because I feel like if I care this much about you, you should care this much about me too. But in thinking about it, I would rather be the one making the effort. At least the people I care about absolutely know without a doubt that I do. There's never a question.
I've learned that you can't control your heart. I'm emotional. Yes. That is going to be my disclaimer through my whole life. People have told me many times that that is something I can control, and to some extent I believe that. But your heart is TELLING you what to feel. And maybe with no reason. Or really effed up reason. I've fallen for a couple people who completely crushed me. Not on purpose. Not through anything they can control (and I know those of you who REALLY know me, are laughing at this right now), but as much as they couldn't control hurting me and who they are, I couldn't control how I felt about them. That's just the way it goes sometimes.
I've learned that one person can change your life. Be it negative or positive, there are some people who can completely affect the person you are, or the person you are trying to become. Without you realizing it. I have gotten rid of a really negative person in my life and I have HONESTLY never felt better. I feel like the relationships in my life are healthier. I feel like I'm happier in general. There are so many past experiences that I've reflected on in the last few months and I just think to myself "How did you allow yourself to become that person?" There was a negative influence, but I LET myself become that person that I never wanted to be. I've repaired relationships that I never thought in a million years could be repaired. People from my past who are seeing me now and saying "THIS is the Tasha that I love. THIS is the Tasha I became friends with". It's an eye opening experience.
This may have sounded like a really negative post, but I didn't mean it that way at all. These are some things that have really stuck out to me over the last little while. The lessons that I've had the hardest time accepting. This is a new year and I think it's really important to live for me. To take every moment as it comes and not worry so much. To really make the most out of my life. Only I can do that for myself.
I've learned that no matter how much you care about someone, it doesn't guarantee they will be in your life forever. It doesn't mean that your bff is going to be your... bff. That in no way means that you shouldn't enjoy them while you have them, if anything, it's the opposite. Everyone comes into our lives for a reason (thank you Wicked), whether it be to teach us something or show us what we don't want out of life. But that's no guarantee that they will always be there. Just the lessons that they bring.
I've learned that sometimes... distance DOES make a difference. I'm an expert on this scenario. I've had pretty much all the important people in my life move away from me at some point or another. And not just down the street... out of the state, out of the COUNTRY. Everyone always says "Nothing will change... Things will be exactly the same". That's not true at all. Maybe you WANT them to be the same. Maybe you will TRY to make them the same. But if I see you every single day, and you move to a different state, things are going to change, no matter how hard you try to keep them the same. I've learned recently that even a SMALL distance can sometimes change things. It's almost sad that a difference of 15 minutes can seem like 3000 miles to some people.
I've learned that sometimes the people you put as priorities in your life, only put you as options in theirs. There is always going to be the person in any sort of relationship or friendship that cares more, that makes more of the effort. That's just the way it goes. And everyone is on both sides of that equation at some point, in some relationship in their life. Sometimes I get so frustrated with people who don't make as big as an effort as I do because I feel like if I care this much about you, you should care this much about me too. But in thinking about it, I would rather be the one making the effort. At least the people I care about absolutely know without a doubt that I do. There's never a question.
I've learned that you can't control your heart. I'm emotional. Yes. That is going to be my disclaimer through my whole life. People have told me many times that that is something I can control, and to some extent I believe that. But your heart is TELLING you what to feel. And maybe with no reason. Or really effed up reason. I've fallen for a couple people who completely crushed me. Not on purpose. Not through anything they can control (and I know those of you who REALLY know me, are laughing at this right now), but as much as they couldn't control hurting me and who they are, I couldn't control how I felt about them. That's just the way it goes sometimes.
I've learned that one person can change your life. Be it negative or positive, there are some people who can completely affect the person you are, or the person you are trying to become. Without you realizing it. I have gotten rid of a really negative person in my life and I have HONESTLY never felt better. I feel like the relationships in my life are healthier. I feel like I'm happier in general. There are so many past experiences that I've reflected on in the last few months and I just think to myself "How did you allow yourself to become that person?" There was a negative influence, but I LET myself become that person that I never wanted to be. I've repaired relationships that I never thought in a million years could be repaired. People from my past who are seeing me now and saying "THIS is the Tasha that I love. THIS is the Tasha I became friends with". It's an eye opening experience.
This may have sounded like a really negative post, but I didn't mean it that way at all. These are some things that have really stuck out to me over the last little while. The lessons that I've had the hardest time accepting. This is a new year and I think it's really important to live for me. To take every moment as it comes and not worry so much. To really make the most out of my life. Only I can do that for myself.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
..4 new year's resolutions..
It's that time of year again! Time to make goals for the new year. Hopefully time to STICK to the goals for the new year... So here are a few of mine.
1. (shocker) Get back into shape. Currently I am a shape. I am round. Round is a shape. Most people know that I used to dance. I love it. And that is the one thing in my life that I really really miss about my past. So I am going to get back in the gym and start going to dance classes again. And eating healthy... which is worse than exercising :) But every year, I make this goal and every year I eff it up within the first month or two. But this time, I WILLLLLL follow through. There ya go. Created the intention. Done.
2. Focus. This is kind of a broad spectrum. I need to have more focus at work (aka, maybe not updating my blog while I'm working) (the new year hasn't started yet!). I get too distracted. I need to up my performance and really work on getting where I want to go. I need to focus on myself. This goes along with goal #1, but also focusing on getting my financial situation where it needs to be. I have done AMAZINGLY better in the last 6 months or so, but that was from really shitty rock bottom, so I still have a ways to go. I just want to make my life the best it can possibly be, and that is going to require me being a little more selfish and really changing certain things in my life. I'm up for it.
3. Go back to school. I was really bummed out with the Westminster thing fell through last year. I was so ready to go, but... there are no accidents. Obviously it wasn't my "time" to go back to school. But I am ready. I need to do this for myself and my future. So mark my words, by fall 2010, I will be in a financial place to be able to go back to school. Woooooo.
4. Drama free the way to be. I know there is always going to be drama in life. Things aren't always going to go my way and bad things will sometimes happen. But there is a big difference between drama you can't control and drama that you can. I choose to rid myself of the drama that I can control. I feel I've gotten rid of a major source of a lot of that drama, so now I just have to make sure to keep it that way.
All in all, over the last few weeks, I feel like this is a really big time for me. A time to shed all the baggage and hurt and the negativity and to really make a big change for myself. I have the most amazing people in my life right now. People who love me for me. Who are dependable and genuine and just truly wonderful people. They challenge me to be a better person and make me want to be. I feel like 2010 could be a really amazing year and I'm excited to see what it holds.
1. (shocker) Get back into shape. Currently I am a shape. I am round. Round is a shape. Most people know that I used to dance. I love it. And that is the one thing in my life that I really really miss about my past. So I am going to get back in the gym and start going to dance classes again. And eating healthy... which is worse than exercising :) But every year, I make this goal and every year I eff it up within the first month or two. But this time, I WILLLLLL follow through. There ya go. Created the intention. Done.
2. Focus. This is kind of a broad spectrum. I need to have more focus at work (aka, maybe not updating my blog while I'm working) (the new year hasn't started yet!). I get too distracted. I need to up my performance and really work on getting where I want to go. I need to focus on myself. This goes along with goal #1, but also focusing on getting my financial situation where it needs to be. I have done AMAZINGLY better in the last 6 months or so, but that was from really shitty rock bottom, so I still have a ways to go. I just want to make my life the best it can possibly be, and that is going to require me being a little more selfish and really changing certain things in my life. I'm up for it.
3. Go back to school. I was really bummed out with the Westminster thing fell through last year. I was so ready to go, but... there are no accidents. Obviously it wasn't my "time" to go back to school. But I am ready. I need to do this for myself and my future. So mark my words, by fall 2010, I will be in a financial place to be able to go back to school. Woooooo.
4. Drama free the way to be. I know there is always going to be drama in life. Things aren't always going to go my way and bad things will sometimes happen. But there is a big difference between drama you can't control and drama that you can. I choose to rid myself of the drama that I can control. I feel I've gotten rid of a major source of a lot of that drama, so now I just have to make sure to keep it that way.
All in all, over the last few weeks, I feel like this is a really big time for me. A time to shed all the baggage and hurt and the negativity and to really make a big change for myself. I have the most amazing people in my life right now. People who love me for me. Who are dependable and genuine and just truly wonderful people. They challenge me to be a better person and make me want to be. I feel like 2010 could be a really amazing year and I'm excited to see what it holds.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
..according to you..
So... if you know me at all, I am the biggest lyric whore in the whole wide world. I use songs for EVERYTHING. I'm actually really bad at verbalizing the way I feel. ESPECIALLY if I'm emotional or upset about something. You know the feeling when you hear a song that totally hits you? I get chills. I lose my breath. I get teary eyed. I might be crazy. Lol.
So the other day I was driving in my car and this song came on. I feel it pretty well describes the way I have felt for a really long time with certain people in my life. So here are the lyrics. Love them.
According to You - Orianthi
According to you I'm stupid, I'm useless,
I can't do anything right.
According to you I'm difficult, hard to please, forever changing my mind.
I'm a mess in a dress, can't show up on time, even if it would save my life.
According to you. According to you.
But according to him I'm beautiful, incredible, he can't get me out of his head.
According to him I'm funny, irresistible, everything he ever wanted.
Everything is opposite, I don't feel like stopping it, so baby tell me what I got to lose.
He's into me for everything I'm not, according to you.
According to you I'm boring, I'm moody, you can't take me any place.
According to you I suck at telling jokes cause I always give it away.
I'm the girl with the worst attention span; you're the boy who puts up with that.
According to you. According to you.
But according to him I'm beautiful, incredible, he can't get me out of his head.
According to him I'm funny, irresistible, everything he ever wanted.
Everything is opposite, I don't feel like stopping it, so baby tell me what I got to lose.
He's into me for everything I'm not, according to you.
I need to feel appreciated, like I'm not hated. oh-- no--.
Why can't you see me through his eyes? It's too bad you're making me decide.
According to me you're stupid, you're useless, you can't do anything right.
But according to him I'm beautiful, incredible, he can't get me out of his head.
According to him I'm funny, irresistible, everything he ever wanted.
Everything is opposite, I don't feel like stopping it, baby tell me what I got to lose.
He's into me for everything I'm not, According to you.
According to you. According to you I'm stupid, I'm useless, I can't do anything right
(end)
That's all! Loves!
So the other day I was driving in my car and this song came on. I feel it pretty well describes the way I have felt for a really long time with certain people in my life. So here are the lyrics. Love them.
According to You - Orianthi
According to you I'm stupid, I'm useless,
I can't do anything right.
According to you I'm difficult, hard to please, forever changing my mind.
I'm a mess in a dress, can't show up on time, even if it would save my life.
According to you. According to you.
But according to him I'm beautiful, incredible, he can't get me out of his head.
According to him I'm funny, irresistible, everything he ever wanted.
Everything is opposite, I don't feel like stopping it, so baby tell me what I got to lose.
He's into me for everything I'm not, according to you.
According to you I'm boring, I'm moody, you can't take me any place.
According to you I suck at telling jokes cause I always give it away.
I'm the girl with the worst attention span; you're the boy who puts up with that.
According to you. According to you.
But according to him I'm beautiful, incredible, he can't get me out of his head.
According to him I'm funny, irresistible, everything he ever wanted.
Everything is opposite, I don't feel like stopping it, so baby tell me what I got to lose.
He's into me for everything I'm not, according to you.
I need to feel appreciated, like I'm not hated. oh-- no--.
Why can't you see me through his eyes? It's too bad you're making me decide.
According to me you're stupid, you're useless, you can't do anything right.
But according to him I'm beautiful, incredible, he can't get me out of his head.
According to him I'm funny, irresistible, everything he ever wanted.
Everything is opposite, I don't feel like stopping it, baby tell me what I got to lose.
He's into me for everything I'm not, According to you.
According to you. According to you I'm stupid, I'm useless, I can't do anything right
(end)
That's all! Loves!
Thursday, December 24, 2009
.."sometimes things falls apart so that better things can fall into place"
Happy holidays!
The last few weeks have been rough for me. Stress to the max. I've been an unstable emotional wreck. Drama.Drama.Drama. Paula, Kyle and Robbie ended the lease on our apartment (a month after they told me there was no way to end it when I was trying to move out). They didn't discuss it with me. I just got a text message one Sunday telling me that I needed to be out on December 31st. So that pushed the panic button for me in trying to find a place. At Christmas time. In three weeks. *cue anxiety attack* Then Gray moved out. He was my ally. He had my back. I didn't feel so alone in that house. Then me and Josh started having all this awkwardness between us. I felt really really alone. I let it get to me a little bit.
Well... This week I've really been reflecting. And the quote "sometimes things fall apart so better things can fall into place" came to mind. My life for the last four years has been sporadic. Sporadic friends. Sporadic living situations. Roommates. Jobs. Etc. Etc. I always feel like the rug is being pulled out from under me. Like my world is falling apart. But then I realized, without all those people who have come and gone, without all the things I've been through and had to weather, I wouldn't be who I am today. I wouldn't have the amazing people in my life that I have right now.
For the FIRST time in my life, I feel like I'm moving forward. I am putting negativity behind me. Is my life perfect? No. Not by any means. But I want to live. I want to make the most of the time I have and the people that I'm living with. I have REALLY unbelievable people in my life. I am lucky to have a family that I get along well with. Some people don't have that. A LOT of people don't have that. I have amazing friends who have HONESTLY become family to me. I have the BEST friend in the world who knows everything about me and loves me in spite of all of that.
I have held onto a lot of things in the past. Grudges, hurt feelings and betrayal. A new year seems like a really good time to let go of all of that. And I'm excited to see what 2010 brings. :)
The last few weeks have been rough for me. Stress to the max. I've been an unstable emotional wreck. Drama.Drama.Drama. Paula, Kyle and Robbie ended the lease on our apartment (a month after they told me there was no way to end it when I was trying to move out). They didn't discuss it with me. I just got a text message one Sunday telling me that I needed to be out on December 31st. So that pushed the panic button for me in trying to find a place. At Christmas time. In three weeks. *cue anxiety attack* Then Gray moved out. He was my ally. He had my back. I didn't feel so alone in that house. Then me and Josh started having all this awkwardness between us. I felt really really alone. I let it get to me a little bit.
Well... This week I've really been reflecting. And the quote "sometimes things fall apart so better things can fall into place" came to mind. My life for the last four years has been sporadic. Sporadic friends. Sporadic living situations. Roommates. Jobs. Etc. Etc. I always feel like the rug is being pulled out from under me. Like my world is falling apart. But then I realized, without all those people who have come and gone, without all the things I've been through and had to weather, I wouldn't be who I am today. I wouldn't have the amazing people in my life that I have right now.
For the FIRST time in my life, I feel like I'm moving forward. I am putting negativity behind me. Is my life perfect? No. Not by any means. But I want to live. I want to make the most of the time I have and the people that I'm living with. I have REALLY unbelievable people in my life. I am lucky to have a family that I get along well with. Some people don't have that. A LOT of people don't have that. I have amazing friends who have HONESTLY become family to me. I have the BEST friend in the world who knows everything about me and loves me in spite of all of that.
I have held onto a lot of things in the past. Grudges, hurt feelings and betrayal. A new year seems like a really good time to let go of all of that. And I'm excited to see what 2010 brings. :)
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