Wednesday, December 30, 2009

..4 new year's resolutions..

It's that time of year again! Time to make goals for the new year. Hopefully time to STICK to the goals for the new year... So here are a few of mine.

1. (shocker) Get back into shape. Currently I am a shape. I am round. Round is a shape. Most people know that I used to dance. I love it. And that is the one thing in my life that I really really miss about my past. So I am going to get back in the gym and start going to dance classes again. And eating healthy... which is worse than exercising :) But every year, I make this goal and every year I eff it up within the first month or two. But this time, I WILLLLLL follow through. There ya go. Created the intention. Done.

2. Focus. This is kind of a broad spectrum. I need to have more focus at work (aka, maybe not updating my blog while I'm working) (the new year hasn't started yet!). I get too distracted. I need to up my performance and really work on getting where I want to go. I need to focus on myself. This goes along with goal #1, but also focusing on getting my financial situation where it needs to be. I have done AMAZINGLY better in the last 6 months or so, but that was from really shitty rock bottom, so I still have a ways to go. I just want to make my life the best it can possibly be, and that is going to require me being a little more selfish and really changing certain things in my life. I'm up for it.

3. Go back to school. I was really bummed out with the Westminster thing fell through last year. I was so ready to go, but... there are no accidents. Obviously it wasn't my "time" to go back to school. But I am ready. I need to do this for myself and my future. So mark my words, by fall 2010, I will be in a financial place to be able to go back to school. Woooooo.

4. Drama free the way to be. I know there is always going to be drama in life. Things aren't always going to go my way and bad things will sometimes happen. But there is a big difference between drama you can't control and drama that you can. I choose to rid myself of the drama that I can control. I feel I've gotten rid of a major source of a lot of that drama, so now I just have to make sure to keep it that way.

All in all, over the last few weeks, I feel like this is a really big time for me. A time to shed all the baggage and hurt and the negativity and to really make a big change for myself. I have the most amazing people in my life right now. People who love me for me. Who are dependable and genuine and just truly wonderful people. They challenge me to be a better person and make me want to be. I feel like 2010 could be a really amazing year and I'm excited to see what it holds.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

..according to you..

So... if you know me at all, I am the biggest lyric whore in the whole wide world. I use songs for EVERYTHING. I'm actually really bad at verbalizing the way I feel. ESPECIALLY if I'm emotional or upset about something. You know the feeling when you hear a song that totally hits you? I get chills. I lose my breath. I get teary eyed. I might be crazy. Lol.

So the other day I was driving in my car and this song came on. I feel it pretty well describes the way I have felt for a really long time with certain people in my life. So here are the lyrics. Love them.

According to You - Orianthi

According to you I'm stupid, I'm useless,
I can't do anything right.
According to you I'm difficult, hard to please, forever changing my mind.
I'm a mess in a dress, can't show up on time, even if it would save my life.
According to you. According to you.

But according to him I'm beautiful, incredible, he can't get me out of his head.
According to him I'm funny, irresistible, everything he ever wanted.
Everything is opposite, I don't feel like stopping it, so baby tell me what I got to lose.
He's into me for everything I'm not, according to you.

According to you I'm boring, I'm moody, you can't take me any place.
According to you I suck at telling jokes cause I always give it away.
I'm the girl with the worst attention span; you're the boy who puts up with that.
According to you. According to you.

But according to him I'm beautiful, incredible, he can't get me out of his head.
According to him I'm funny, irresistible, everything he ever wanted.
Everything is opposite, I don't feel like stopping it, so baby tell me what I got to lose.
He's into me for everything I'm not, according to you.

I need to feel appreciated, like I'm not hated. oh-- no--.
Why can't you see me through his eyes? It's too bad you're making me decide.

According to me you're stupid, you're useless, you can't do anything right.

But according to him I'm beautiful, incredible, he can't get me out of his head.
According to him I'm funny, irresistible, everything he ever wanted.
Everything is opposite, I don't feel like stopping it, baby tell me what I got to lose.
He's into me for everything I'm not, According to you.

According to you. According to you I'm stupid, I'm useless, I can't do anything right
(end)

That's all! Loves!

Thursday, December 24, 2009

.."sometimes things falls apart so that better things can fall into place"

Happy holidays!

The last few weeks have been rough for me. Stress to the max. I've been an unstable emotional wreck. Drama.Drama.Drama. Paula, Kyle and Robbie ended the lease on our apartment (a month after they told me there was no way to end it when I was trying to move out). They didn't discuss it with me. I just got a text message one Sunday telling me that I needed to be out on December 31st. So that pushed the panic button for me in trying to find a place. At Christmas time. In three weeks. *cue anxiety attack* Then Gray moved out. He was my ally. He had my back. I didn't feel so alone in that house. Then me and Josh started having all this awkwardness between us. I felt really really alone. I let it get to me a little bit.

Well... This week I've really been reflecting. And the quote "sometimes things fall apart so better things can fall into place" came to mind. My life for the last four years has been sporadic. Sporadic friends. Sporadic living situations. Roommates. Jobs. Etc. Etc. I always feel like the rug is being pulled out from under me. Like my world is falling apart. But then I realized, without all those people who have come and gone, without all the things I've been through and had to weather, I wouldn't be who I am today. I wouldn't have the amazing people in my life that I have right now.

For the FIRST time in my life, I feel like I'm moving forward. I am putting negativity behind me. Is my life perfect? No. Not by any means. But I want to live. I want to make the most of the time I have and the people that I'm living with. I have REALLY unbelievable people in my life. I am lucky to have a family that I get along well with. Some people don't have that. A LOT of people don't have that. I have amazing friends who have HONESTLY become family to me. I have the BEST friend in the world who knows everything about me and loves me in spite of all of that.

I have held onto a lot of things in the past. Grudges, hurt feelings and betrayal. A new year seems like a really good time to let go of all of that. And I'm excited to see what 2010 brings. :)

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

..randomness..

Wowza. I am good at this whole "blog updating" scenario. Nope. I'm not. Oh well. I tried to come up with a creative idea, but alas, I am not creative, therefore I just have a bunch of random thoughts in my head to share:

- Impact Training. Those two words send dread into my little heart. I'm not sure how to explain it other than to say it's training to better your life (and yourself). That doesn't sound so bad right? Who DOESN'T want to be a better person? And be more confident and successful. THAT part I am a okay with. However, to build a good foundation, apparently they first have to break you down to nothing. That is the part I am a little more scared for. I'm a cryer. I don't think that's shocking or even news to anyone who may be reading this (hi Chels!). I pretend I have my act together, but more often than not, I have no idea what I am doing. Soooo... a bunch of people in hooded cloaks (not really, I might be being dramatic) telling me how insecure I am and telling me everything that is wrong with me? Not sure I can handle that. Or wait... do I currently have someone in my life like that? Umm.... I might live with him (cloak and all).

Truth be told, I am excited to see what comes out of this for me. Just a little nervous for the journey.

- Roommate wanted. Not for me. To take my place. These last four/five months, I have been the happiest that I have been in a long time. More on that later. But they have also been the most frustrating. Why am I so retarded? My lease was to be up in October. I should have taken the signs from the last FOUR YEARS and moved out. But no, I let a few nice words sway me into staying at the current house and now I am going to be miserable for another year because SOMEONE chooses to take out his life frustrations on other people. That's all I'm gonna say. So if anyone knows of anyone that needs a place to live. Cute house in Woods Cross. Let me know. You will be saving my life.

- Portland/Seattle Trip. How excited am I for Thanksgiving this year? Yup. This will officially be my first MAJOR holiday away from the family. I shall miss them. We are going to Portland to stay with Jessica's daddy for Thanksgiving and we are also going to Seattle (my favorite place EVER!) Road trips are pretty much the best thing ever, and I cannot wait to get out of this stupid place.

- Loving Life. I can honestly say that I have not been this happy in a long time. I have grown a lot over the last 5 or 6 months. I have AMAZING friends. I haven't had very stable friendships in the last few years. People are confusing. But this summer, I learned so much about myself and what I want out of the people in my life. Some people don't understand the friendships I have made, but all that matters is that I love the people in my life right now and I know that I can handle the dramalama that goes on in the background as long as I have good people in the foreground.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

..7 things that bug me to no end..

1) People that come into restaurants 10 minutes before they close. I've never actually WORKED at a restaurant, but this still bugs me. 10 minutes before you leave your job don't you have things cleaned up? Let's be honest, at my job I have things cleaned up, my computer is off and my purse is sitting on my desk with my keys next to it. READY TO GO. So how about you think about that next time you walk into Chipotle's at 9:55 on a weekday? ESPECIALLY if you have a group of people with you. Poor little guys.

2) Leaving the shower curtain open in the bathroom.
This might come from my mom's OCD. When I was growing up, if we showered and didn't shut the curtain after we were done, the wrath of Momster would be placed upon you. No one wants to look in your shower. I don't want you looking in my shower. CLOSE THE DAMN CURTAIN.

3) People who call people fat when they are OBVIOUSLY not fat.
This ties into "People who call themselves fat when they are also OBVIOUSLY not fat". When we are watching tv and you tell me "Um... that girl is thick" and she is 12 sizes smaller than me? I WILL shoot you a dirty look and then refuse to talk to you for the rest of the evening. Even if I laugh at you, I do not think you are funny. That is my way to keep from ACTUALLY stabbing you in the jaw (which is what I am contemplating doing everytime you say it). If you think you really need to say that stuff, say it to someone that is not a good 8 to 12 sizes bigger than the person you are talking about.

4) Straight boys that act gay. Or gay boys that act straight.
It gets confusing. I would prefer to not date a gay boy. I have fallen in love with them one to many times and refuse to be tricked again. Either act gay or straight. Don't mix and match.

5) People who use "I've just been so busy" as a reason not to keep in touch.
You're busy? Who isn't busy?Life is busy. I make time to keep in touch with the people that I want in my life. It's not hard, especially with all the technology these days. I can send a text in 1.3 seconds. I doubt that what you are doing is that pressing that sending a text message would derail your whole life. But when I don't hear from you for a good 2 to 3 weeks, I assume you died. Make note.

6) Crushes.
It's all there in the name. CRUSH.

7) Summer and Winter.
Weird? Yeah. I know. I hate winter for the obvious reason: I hate snow. I hate it. I don't think it's pretty. I don't think its fun. No. I think it's a pain in the ass to not be able to drive from point A to point B without knowing if you are going to die on the way there. Not fun. Another reason to hate winter: Bulky clothes. You have to wear sweaters and jackets and scarves and 18 layers under all of that here in Good Old Utah. I am bulky enough thankyouverymuch. I hate summer for the exact opposite reason. It's too damn hot. My makeup melts off my face and I look like I have rosatia. I want to cover up my fat arms but I hate tan lines. I get invited to pool parties and have to fake sick *cough* so I don't have to go hang out with all of the skinny bitches in swimsuits. Yeah. Not a good time.

I'm kind of a downer today. Sorry about that! :)

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

..7 people that make my life a little bit better just by being in it..

I'm feeling really blessed today. So here ya go.

1) Cory Alan. We've had a long history. I may or may not have been in love with him when I was in high school. We've been through a lot, but he's the one that taught me what the definition of a "real friend" is. He's extremely talented and has traveled all over the world, and may have been 3,000+ miles away at any given time over the last 8 years, but he was there for me more than any of the people who were right here. He is an amazing person and I am blessed to have him in my life.

2) Mom. Dad. Josh. Jessica. Tristen.
I seriously have the best family around (although apparently I don't take pictures of them, cuz I can't find any). They are my escape from the bad parts of my life. I know that maybe I haven't turned out to be EXACTLY what they wanted me to be, but they are always supportive. My brother is one of my best friends and Jessica is the sister that I've always wanted. I just love them all.

3)
Marisa. I don't really have a whole lot of friends that are girls. Too much drama. Too much catty. The few that I do have are AMAZING people. Are we catty? Can we be evil and mean? Yeah. But not to each other and that is all that matters. She listens to my craziness and I laugh at her nonsense. We make fun of people and (like all good friends) we agree which whores we hate. It's a beautiful thing. KS KREW!


4)
Cody. I've known him less time than most of the other people on this list, but that doesn't mean I love him any less. He is the perfect person for Kyle and I really think that I owe the friendship that I have today with Kyle to Cody. He's helped Kyle grow up into the amazing person he is today. At first, he was just "Kyle's boyfriend" but now he is someone that I truly love and consider to be one of my bestest friends. Puts a smile on my face everyday.


5)
Jesse. I took Jesse in when he was just a little gay. :P Back in the day I never thought we would be where we are now. I tell Jesse EVERYTHING. He is the person that I go to when I need to vent, when I need to cry, when I need to laugh and when I need someone to assure me that what I'm doing is absolutely right and I couldn't have done it better (maybe not so much that last one). Sometimes it's hard to figure him out, but I wouldn't trade him in for anything. Love you Ju.




6) Kaylee. Um... She is just like me (only better). She has the kindest heart of anyone I have ever met. Ever. In my life, ever. She's the person that makes me feel better about life when I feel lonely and like I'm the only person in the world going through what I am going through. We cry over everything. We put 100% of ourselves into all the relationships in our life. I feel like I understand myself a little bit better after having one of our awesomely famous girl's nights. These are the kinds of girls that I need in my life.

7)
Brandon. Sometimes I don't know what is going on with us. He can be the most confusing person in the history of the world. But when we're friends, we're best friends. I am more myself with Brandon than with anyone else. I think that we bring out each other's best and worst, and I have a connection with Brandon that will never ever be broken. It's something I count on.


Life is a confusing and unpredictable thing, but I am lucky enough to have people like this in my life to make a little more sense out of things :
)

Friday, June 19, 2009

..10 things i am quite possibly addicted to..

1) Let's start with the most obvious. Facebook. ADDICTION. Quite possibly to the point of being unhealthy. Stalking? Usually illegal. On Facebook? THAT'S WHAT IT'S FOOORRRR. Yup. And everything everyone does is on that first little page when you log in. Information at the touch of a button. Amazement. BTW - MySpace sucks. I deleted mine. Facebook is the new MySpace (which I totally called 4 years ago before it went huge. That's right. I set trends).

2) Surveys. All the information that you NEVER EVER wanted to know about me? I am sure I have done a survey for it. I'm sure I have done every survey on Facebook/MySpace/anyotherwebsiteyoucouldpossiblyfind two or three times. Do people make fun of me for it? Yes. Do I care? Not in the least. Chances are if you make fun of me for it, I do more of them just to spite you. That's the kind of person I am. Deal.

3) More to Love. Now... TECHNICALLY, I haven't actually SEEN the tv show. Just the commercials for it last night. Premise: Girls that are NOT a size 2 (like all the other reality dating show contestants on tv) Bachelor style. Um... Yes. I am not a size 2. I am not a size 12. Neither is half of America. Probably more than half. However, all reality tv contestants? Size 2. MAYYYYBBBEEE 4. Unless you are on one of those tv shows where they are making fun of you, you don't see REAL girls looking for love. So anyway... Saw the preview for it last night. Starts in July. I WILL be addicted to it. It could possibly make me cry. The only thing I want to know is
why I wasn't invited to the casting call. Hmm...

4) Growing my hair out. I used to have long hair. A
ss long. I got sick of it one summer and couldn't get into a salon to get it cut for a few days. My dad got sick of me whining about it and took some scissors to it. Chopped it to my shoulders. Yeah. Traumatizing. Since then I have really only had short hair. I've been growing it out since... Octoberish and IT JUST ISN'T GROWING FAST ENOUGH. Bah. I have been taking prenatal vitamins because someone told me that it helps your hair grow. Really? The only thing I've noticed is that my rack is getting bigger. That is not a negative thing because I feel it makes my waist look smaller, but... I WANT LONG HAIR DAMMIT. So yes, it has become an obsession.

5) Twitter. This kind of ties into the whole "I love facebook stalking" thing. I have a few friends on there, but for the most part I am just following celebrities. Are they the ACTUAL celebrities? Probably not. But I like to pretend they are. The only downside to Twitter is that when your friends tell you they are doing something to get out of hanging out with you, and then you get a Tweet that they are actually hanging out with your sworn enemy? Um...
Time to get new friends. Maybe.

6) Textsfromlastnight.com. OMG. I think this is my favorite thing that I've come across in the last... well... ever. Probably because I have a handful of people that most of these text COULD be from. *cough* Michael *cough* You go that website and tell me that you aren't crying tears of laughter in like 4 minutes and I will happily stab you in the jaw. HILARIOUS.

7) My nephew Tristen. Yes. He is 7 months old and the cutest baby of all time. I know lots of people say that, and I could be bias, but LOOK AT HIM:

Anything cuter than that? No. Seriously. He is just getting to that stage where he is starting to "talk". Mostly it's jibberish, and he just laughs all the time. He is the first "grandchild" in our little family of me and my brother and I don't even care that my YOUNGER brother is more than likely going to get married before me, because I have this little button of a nephew. I can't get enough of him.


8) Twilight.
I know, I know. Big surprise. I can't help it. I blame my mother. She read them first and for a year she was like "You have to read these books!" and I was like "Vampires? No. Never. Hate them." But when I was living alone and being depressed last year, I finally borrowed them from her and... she was right. I do love them. I am not sure WHY exactly I love them, maybe because I haven't dated anyone in so long that a vampire boyfriend sounds damn good right now. Yep. Will take anything. Moving on. I've read the books way too many times to count & I'm okay with that.

9) Jen Lancaster.
She is the author of "Bitter is the New Black", "Bright Lights, Big Ass", "Such a Pretty Fat" and "Pretty in Plaid". HILARIOUS. If you like chick lit (and you should), I definitely recommend it. She also has a blog: jennsylvania.com, and she is seriously one of those people that I know I would be best friends with if we were ever to meet in person.

10) Going to the Gym. HA! Fooled you. This is something I am HOPING to become addicted to. Right now I am at the point where I hate it. LOATH it. Just while I'm doing it though. Afterwards I feel wonderful and want to go home and eat healthy food. But while I'm there, I am pretty much screaming at Jesus for creating fat people. Yeah. I said it. But I really do have it in my goals to get "healthier" (read: skinny). I'm working on it and people have been telling me I'm looking good (but again, this could also be do to the fact that my knockers are getting bigger from the prenatals). But we shall see. :)