So my new addiction is Tumblr. It's so much easier. And I'm a picture whore so it's pretty much where I belong. I don't know how much I'll update here, but you should DEFFFFFF follow me there. And maybe create your own. Because it's better.
http://tash-posh.tumblr.com/
Peace out bishes.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
..the only constant thing in life is change..
- My birthday was a success. I had 12 parties and celebrated with pretty much everyone that I wanted to. My mom bought me the cutest boots everrrrrrrr (thank god for Torrid and their boots that actually fit my calves (thank you dancing for 15 years and being fat)). I got the first season of Glee from Aaron and Matty Ford annndddddd lots of things to feed my current (and ongoing) musical theatre obsession. Yay birthdays! :)
- I have always considered myself to be well versed in the musical theatre genre. Recently I have found that there are people *cough, Tommy, cough* that are MUCH MORE in the know in terms of good shows and good music. So Mr. Fitz (aka - ToFi) has been "schooling" me in some of the shows he believes need to be on my radar. The first was The Last Five Years. Aaaaaamazing. Times a million. I have a slight obsession with this now. Jason Robert Brown is ridiculous. Leo Norbert Butz is phenomenal. And it gives me chills. I highly recommend it. The newest one that he has so generously shared with me is Next to Normal. Also extremely good. I had to sit and read the synopsis while I was listening to the music to figure out what the hell was going on (yeah. I'm cool. Embrace it), but lovvvveeeee it. Yeeeeeeey!
- I hate California. I believe that is all that needs to be said.
- I am feeling restless. Like I need to shake things up in a big way. I'm at a weird spot in my life right now. Things are in an awkward transition mode at work, my best friend just moved away, I am feeling terribly awful about myself physically. I just feel like I need to do something extreme. And that the universe has been sending me all these signals. I have half talked/half joked about moving to Seattle in March when my lease is up. Well I have had literally 4 people tell me in the last few months that if I ever decided that I wanted to move there, that they know tons of people that would give me a job in a heartbeat. And just with the way everything is going at work and in my personal life, I think maybe it's time to say now or never. I know it's going to be scary and I may hate it and turn right around and come back... but I need some independence. I need to stop defining myself by the people around me. I need to make my own way and figure out where I want to be and who I want to be. And I don't feel like I can do that here... Which may be silly or selfish, but that's the point I'm at right now. So... stay tuned to see what happens with that. Now or never.
Boop.
- I have always considered myself to be well versed in the musical theatre genre. Recently I have found that there are people *cough, Tommy, cough* that are MUCH MORE in the know in terms of good shows and good music. So Mr. Fitz (aka - ToFi) has been "schooling" me in some of the shows he believes need to be on my radar. The first was The Last Five Years. Aaaaaamazing. Times a million. I have a slight obsession with this now. Jason Robert Brown is ridiculous. Leo Norbert Butz is phenomenal. And it gives me chills. I highly recommend it. The newest one that he has so generously shared with me is Next to Normal. Also extremely good. I had to sit and read the synopsis while I was listening to the music to figure out what the hell was going on (yeah. I'm cool. Embrace it), but lovvvveeeee it. Yeeeeeeey!
- I hate California. I believe that is all that needs to be said.
- I am feeling restless. Like I need to shake things up in a big way. I'm at a weird spot in my life right now. Things are in an awkward transition mode at work, my best friend just moved away, I am feeling terribly awful about myself physically. I just feel like I need to do something extreme. And that the universe has been sending me all these signals. I have half talked/half joked about moving to Seattle in March when my lease is up. Well I have had literally 4 people tell me in the last few months that if I ever decided that I wanted to move there, that they know tons of people that would give me a job in a heartbeat. And just with the way everything is going at work and in my personal life, I think maybe it's time to say now or never. I know it's going to be scary and I may hate it and turn right around and come back... but I need some independence. I need to stop defining myself by the people around me. I need to make my own way and figure out where I want to be and who I want to be. And I don't feel like I can do that here... Which may be silly or selfish, but that's the point I'm at right now. So... stay tuned to see what happens with that. Now or never.
Boop.
Monday, October 4, 2010
..happy mybirthdaymonth!..
Updates!
- October is my favorite month. Of course, my birthday might be a huge part of that, but I just love the feeling when the air changes. When the leaves change and you can just feel that fall is in full swing. Plus, it's Halloween time! Carving pumpkins, Frightmares, scary movies. Fall just makes me happy. x100000.
- Speaking of my birthday, I like to celebrate me. I don't usually ever try to make the focus about me other parts of the year, but my birthday is the time when I like to be the center of attention and make everyone dote on me. And not just on my birthDAY, but in my birthWEEK and birthMONTH. Luckily, I have amazing friends who have no problem doing this...except for stupid Aaron who steals my thunder ;-)
- My birthday is on National Coming Out of the Closet Day. Hmm... Weird coincidence? Or fate? Hard to say. Love my gays!
- Speaking of gays, these last few days have been rough. It's hard to hear all the ignorant words that people speak just because they believe differently. Because they LOVE differently than other people believe they should. Are people really that simple minded? To believe that your way of doing things is the ONLY way of doing things? I was reading the article regarding what was said in one of the talks by Boyd K. Packer on Sunday:
"Some suppose that they were preset and cannot overcome what they feel are inborn tendencies toward the impure and the unnatural," he said. "Not so. Why would our Heavenly Father do that to anyone?"
I think it is highly arrogant that anyone, regardless of your 'status' in the church (or anywhere else for that matter), can assume they know what the ultimate "plan" was. Yes, originally, man and woman were made for each other. To create all of us. However, how does anyone know that there weren't other people "chosen" to live this way, that were BORN this way, to love someone of the same sex? To teach all of us tolerance and acceptance and love without judgement? If you have faith in a higher being, then wouldn't you believe that? That He knows what He is doing? I feel any judgements that we pass on people while we are living will come back around to us in the end of things. So just love. There is already enough hate in the world.
Soap box done.
- I would like someone to take me on a shopping spree. You may sign up here.
- Josh is already blowing the roof off of California. He's been there just a little over a week, and already has two commercials and a spot on a tv show lined up. I feel like this is proving that he is meant to be there. As much as I dislike him being so far away. He's driven and motivated and I know that you'll be seeing his name everywhere shortly.
- Kind of along the same lines, my boss came to me the other day and was like "So have you found something to feel that void since your friend left?" (my boss is awesome BTW) I thought about it a little bit and while I miss him a lot, this is kind of a test of independence for me. This last year I have spent getting the toxic things out of my life was hard, but I had Josh (and of course, other friends) there to back me up and tell me I was doing the right things. And now this is my test to see if I can do it myself. And considering recent circumstances and situations, that test is hitting full force right about now. This will be a good chance to see if I really have changed over the last year, or if I'm going to fall into old habits. I am fairly confident that I have, but only time will tell.
Have a good week :)
- October is my favorite month. Of course, my birthday might be a huge part of that, but I just love the feeling when the air changes. When the leaves change and you can just feel that fall is in full swing. Plus, it's Halloween time! Carving pumpkins, Frightmares, scary movies. Fall just makes me happy. x100000.
- Speaking of my birthday, I like to celebrate me. I don't usually ever try to make the focus about me other parts of the year, but my birthday is the time when I like to be the center of attention and make everyone dote on me. And not just on my birthDAY, but in my birthWEEK and birthMONTH. Luckily, I have amazing friends who have no problem doing this...except for stupid Aaron who steals my thunder ;-)
- My birthday is on National Coming Out of the Closet Day. Hmm... Weird coincidence? Or fate? Hard to say. Love my gays!
- Speaking of gays, these last few days have been rough. It's hard to hear all the ignorant words that people speak just because they believe differently. Because they LOVE differently than other people believe they should. Are people really that simple minded? To believe that your way of doing things is the ONLY way of doing things? I was reading the article regarding what was said in one of the talks by Boyd K. Packer on Sunday:
"Some suppose that they were preset and cannot overcome what they feel are inborn tendencies toward the impure and the unnatural," he said. "Not so. Why would our Heavenly Father do that to anyone?"
I think it is highly arrogant that anyone, regardless of your 'status' in the church (or anywhere else for that matter), can assume they know what the ultimate "plan" was. Yes, originally, man and woman were made for each other. To create all of us. However, how does anyone know that there weren't other people "chosen" to live this way, that were BORN this way, to love someone of the same sex? To teach all of us tolerance and acceptance and love without judgement? If you have faith in a higher being, then wouldn't you believe that? That He knows what He is doing? I feel any judgements that we pass on people while we are living will come back around to us in the end of things. So just love. There is already enough hate in the world.
Soap box done.
- I would like someone to take me on a shopping spree. You may sign up here.
- Josh is already blowing the roof off of California. He's been there just a little over a week, and already has two commercials and a spot on a tv show lined up. I feel like this is proving that he is meant to be there. As much as I dislike him being so far away. He's driven and motivated and I know that you'll be seeing his name everywhere shortly.
- Kind of along the same lines, my boss came to me the other day and was like "So have you found something to feel that void since your friend left?" (my boss is awesome BTW) I thought about it a little bit and while I miss him a lot, this is kind of a test of independence for me. This last year I have spent getting the toxic things out of my life was hard, but I had Josh (and of course, other friends) there to back me up and tell me I was doing the right things. And now this is my test to see if I can do it myself. And considering recent circumstances and situations, that test is hitting full force right about now. This will be a good chance to see if I really have changed over the last year, or if I'm going to fall into old habits. I am fairly confident that I have, but only time will tell.
Have a good week :)
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
..stuff and things..
What a weekend. A quick post today.
-Starting off with a quote that pretty much sums up my life right now:
"Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it's all over."
'nuff said.
- I am going to my first dance class in like 2 years tonight. I'm excited/nervous. I am super out of shape, but considering it's a bunch of girls that I went to high school with, chances are they might be too. I feel this class is coming at a good time. Dance always made me super happy, and with everything that is going on for me right now, I think this will be a good release for me.
- Speaking of performing, taking into consideration current situations going on, I may not get to have my Made experience, as my Made coach is currently out of commission (in a matter of speaking). Therefore, instead of being "Tracy Turnblad", I am going to focus on getting into shape for my brother's wedding. Jessica (SIL) asked me to be in her line. So... gotta get pretty. And by pretty, I mean skinny.
- I am a wreck today. That is all.
-Starting off with a quote that pretty much sums up my life right now:
"Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it's all over."
'nuff said.
- I am going to my first dance class in like 2 years tonight. I'm excited/nervous. I am super out of shape, but considering it's a bunch of girls that I went to high school with, chances are they might be too. I feel this class is coming at a good time. Dance always made me super happy, and with everything that is going on for me right now, I think this will be a good release for me.
- Speaking of performing, taking into consideration current situations going on, I may not get to have my Made experience, as my Made coach is currently out of commission (in a matter of speaking). Therefore, instead of being "Tracy Turnblad", I am going to focus on getting into shape for my brother's wedding. Jessica (SIL) asked me to be in her line. So... gotta get pretty. And by pretty, I mean skinny.
- I am a wreck today. That is all.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
..singular impression things are moving too fast..
Yay for abandoning my blog! I'm back.... with bullet points. You're excited. I know it.
- I tend to get stressed out easily over little things. I know this. You know this. Jesus knows this. So when some thing (or thingggssssss) happens that is/are kind of a big deal, it overwhelms me. Currently I have a laundry list of things that are causing me a whole lot of sleepless nights. People moving. Friendships in jeopardy. Flooding in my apartment. Etc. Etc. Etc. I feel that it has turned from just fingernail biting to actual physical symptoms. Literally making me sick. It's fun. I like it a lot. Good news? Maybe I will lose weight. Yay! Skinny!
- Next (not completely unrelated, however), Cody just got a gig in Malaysia. Fucking Malaysia. Who goes to Malaysia? I'm not even quite sure where that is but it has the word "Asia" in it, so I'm inclined to not think too highly of it. I digress... he got a FABULOUS job singing in a group over seas. They live and perform at a five star Hilton hotel. He's going to rock it. I'm really proud of him. He is leaving the 1st of October. Anxiety.
- My best friend (aka - Joshua Max Brodis) is moving to California. This is also to pursue the fact that he is an amazingly talented person and extremely motivated to make something of himself. So of course, he will. And I fully support his decison as much as a rational best friend can. That being said, it may seem like I don't support it at all, as the very mention of it in public makes me go into mini panic attacks. Again... I fall off topic. He will be leaving the last week of September. Scenario Cody + Scenario Josh = Basketcase Tasha. Forewarning. Tommy will potentially be on suicide watch.
- Since the are both leaving before my actual birthday (notbitteratallmovingonnow), I want to have a party before they leave. Therefore I have bestowed upon the BF to plan a party. Is this currently in the works? I am not sure. All I know is that being me, I will insist on being the single focus of attention for said party, so I will not/can not share it with anyone else. Do with that information what you will.
- Speaking of birthdays, I would like to announce that the entire month of October will be only about my birthday. There is no Halloween. Only my birthday. It's all about me. So when you ask me what you want to be for Halloween, I will tell you "Doesn't matter. There is no Halloween this year". This situation/conversation is OF COURSE, hypothetical and never happened... today... NEVER HAPPENED!
- Also I will be 26. Which is closer to 30 than 20. That is all I am saying.
- I would like to share this video only because I am a shameless supporter of my very talented friends:
Also here... with some random (asian looking) chick:
Yeah. He's amazing. I couldn't find a good video of him singing Michael Jackson but trust me - he does the King of Pop VERY proud.
- Last but not least, I very much believe that people come into your life when you need them the most. Whether they be new friends or just people that you lost contact throughout time, they know just what to say to make everything feel like it really is going to be okay. I am so appreciative to those people, especially right now when I feel like there are so many things out of my control. Thanks bitches :)
- I tend to get stressed out easily over little things. I know this. You know this. Jesus knows this. So when some thing (or thingggssssss) happens that is/are kind of a big deal, it overwhelms me. Currently I have a laundry list of things that are causing me a whole lot of sleepless nights. People moving. Friendships in jeopardy. Flooding in my apartment. Etc. Etc. Etc. I feel that it has turned from just fingernail biting to actual physical symptoms. Literally making me sick. It's fun. I like it a lot. Good news? Maybe I will lose weight. Yay! Skinny!
- Next (not completely unrelated, however), Cody just got a gig in Malaysia. Fucking Malaysia. Who goes to Malaysia? I'm not even quite sure where that is but it has the word "Asia" in it, so I'm inclined to not think too highly of it. I digress... he got a FABULOUS job singing in a group over seas. They live and perform at a five star Hilton hotel. He's going to rock it. I'm really proud of him. He is leaving the 1st of October. Anxiety.
- My best friend (aka - Joshua Max Brodis) is moving to California. This is also to pursue the fact that he is an amazingly talented person and extremely motivated to make something of himself. So of course, he will. And I fully support his decison as much as a rational best friend can. That being said, it may seem like I don't support it at all, as the very mention of it in public makes me go into mini panic attacks. Again... I fall off topic. He will be leaving the last week of September. Scenario Cody + Scenario Josh = Basketcase Tasha. Forewarning. Tommy will potentially be on suicide watch.
- Since the are both leaving before my actual birthday (notbitteratallmovingonnow), I want to have a party before they leave. Therefore I have bestowed upon the BF to plan a party. Is this currently in the works? I am not sure. All I know is that being me, I will insist on being the single focus of attention for said party, so I will not/can not share it with anyone else. Do with that information what you will.
- Speaking of birthdays, I would like to announce that the entire month of October will be only about my birthday. There is no Halloween. Only my birthday. It's all about me. So when you ask me what you want to be for Halloween, I will tell you "Doesn't matter. There is no Halloween this year". This situation/conversation is OF COURSE, hypothetical and never happened... today... NEVER HAPPENED!
- Also I will be 26. Which is closer to 30 than 20. That is all I am saying.
- I would like to share this video only because I am a shameless supporter of my very talented friends:
Also here... with some random (asian looking) chick:
Yeah. He's amazing. I couldn't find a good video of him singing Michael Jackson but trust me - he does the King of Pop VERY proud.
- Last but not least, I very much believe that people come into your life when you need them the most. Whether they be new friends or just people that you lost contact throughout time, they know just what to say to make everything feel like it really is going to be okay. I am so appreciative to those people, especially right now when I feel like there are so many things out of my control. Thanks bitches :)
Monday, August 9, 2010
..(creative title goes here)..
Just randomness because I don't have energy for anything more than that but I feel like I haven't updated in awhile....
- First of all, eff this game.
- Whoever said to drown your sorrows in booze was clearly suicidal. I had a REALLY rough week last week (personal life wise, not business. I rocked the business). So Friday night Josh and Aaron were like "Club! YAY!" I haven't been in awhile (nor have I drank in awhile), so I thought "YAY!" Anyway... I'm super smart and drank pretty much a whole bottle of mango rum. It happens. Soooo... I know that seems overkill, but I think that I would have been fine had it not been for the two additional drinks at the club. It was JT's birthday! Come on! Sooo... My memory of the night is.. hazy at best, but at some point I ended up downstairs with Gray and somehow Vegas (more on that later) came up... and then all I remember are hysterics. This wasn't just a "Oh, Tasha is having one of her moments" kind of cry. This was an all out cryingsohardIcouldn'tbreathe kind of cry. In front of everyone. Yes. It was good. Anyway... long story short, Josh FINALLY got me out of there. We went to Denny's to get food. I do not remember much else of what happened besides becoming vaguely familiar with the bathroom floor at Denny's. Low.Point.
I must express appreciation to my new friend Angie. Dragging someone you barely know back and forth to the bathroom all night is not usually something that makes your night complete, but she was an absolute doll and took care of me. Thanks Ang!!!
- Ohhhh K. So... Vegas. Gray's 21st birthday was a few days ago. He planned this big trip to Vegas, which we had been talking about for about a year. Well.. being the adult I am, it turned out that I couldn't end up going because we had too many managers out and blah blah blah. Sooo... I understand that Gray was upset but... gotta do what you gotta do. Anyway... so Jess, Aaron, Gray and PJ ended up going to Vegas. When they got back I found out someone else had gone with them... Duh duh duh. Who else but Mr. PKS (name has been changed to protect his assholeness)?!
Okay... Really guys? REALLLLY? Talking to him. Being cordial. Being adult. Normal behavior. Yeah. I get that. Inviting him to hang out? Taking him on a trip? Going out of your way to talk to him? Um... Hmm... I am not really quite sure how to put things into words on this one (hense the massive hysterical outburst at the club).
Regardless how many times you've told me "he's changed"... that means nothing to me. Because you don't know him. You "know" the person he is pretending to be. You know what he wants you to know. I was the one that was on the crazy train for 4 years. I know him. People who have been around for the last 4 years know him. And every single person who does, can see right through him. Sooo... Yeah. A bit of a pickle.
- I love Tommy. Love love love him. I honestly don't know what I would do without him.
- So setting intentions has really been working out for me lately. So I am currently putting in writing that I plan on moving to Washington/Seattle in February/March of next year. That means it has to happen. I need a change.
- Also, setting the intention that when Rodger's Memorial does Hairspray this next year, I will be Tracy and fulfill my goal of being on stage at least ONCE in my life. Plus, I am Tracy. This should not be that far of a stretch.
- I also love my best friend. When I tell him "I want to look like so and so because she is the most beautiful person I've ever seen", he tells me "Actually... You look A LOT like her". Even if I'm the fat version of her, it was a nice sentiment.
Um... I think that'll do today. :)
- First of all, eff this game.
- Whoever said to drown your sorrows in booze was clearly suicidal. I had a REALLY rough week last week (personal life wise, not business. I rocked the business). So Friday night Josh and Aaron were like "Club! YAY!" I haven't been in awhile (nor have I drank in awhile), so I thought "YAY!" Anyway... I'm super smart and drank pretty much a whole bottle of mango rum. It happens. Soooo... I know that seems overkill, but I think that I would have been fine had it not been for the two additional drinks at the club. It was JT's birthday! Come on! Sooo... My memory of the night is.. hazy at best, but at some point I ended up downstairs with Gray and somehow Vegas (more on that later) came up... and then all I remember are hysterics. This wasn't just a "Oh, Tasha is having one of her moments" kind of cry. This was an all out cryingsohardIcouldn'tbreathe kind of cry. In front of everyone. Yes. It was good. Anyway... long story short, Josh FINALLY got me out of there. We went to Denny's to get food. I do not remember much else of what happened besides becoming vaguely familiar with the bathroom floor at Denny's. Low.Point.
I must express appreciation to my new friend Angie. Dragging someone you barely know back and forth to the bathroom all night is not usually something that makes your night complete, but she was an absolute doll and took care of me. Thanks Ang!!!
- Ohhhh K. So... Vegas. Gray's 21st birthday was a few days ago. He planned this big trip to Vegas, which we had been talking about for about a year. Well.. being the adult I am, it turned out that I couldn't end up going because we had too many managers out and blah blah blah. Sooo... I understand that Gray was upset but... gotta do what you gotta do. Anyway... so Jess, Aaron, Gray and PJ ended up going to Vegas. When they got back I found out someone else had gone with them... Duh duh duh. Who else but Mr. PKS (name has been changed to protect his assholeness)?!
Okay... Really guys? REALLLLY? Talking to him. Being cordial. Being adult. Normal behavior. Yeah. I get that. Inviting him to hang out? Taking him on a trip? Going out of your way to talk to him? Um... Hmm... I am not really quite sure how to put things into words on this one (hense the massive hysterical outburst at the club).
Regardless how many times you've told me "he's changed"... that means nothing to me. Because you don't know him. You "know" the person he is pretending to be. You know what he wants you to know. I was the one that was on the crazy train for 4 years. I know him. People who have been around for the last 4 years know him. And every single person who does, can see right through him. Sooo... Yeah. A bit of a pickle.
- I love Tommy. Love love love him. I honestly don't know what I would do without him.
- So setting intentions has really been working out for me lately. So I am currently putting in writing that I plan on moving to Washington/Seattle in February/March of next year. That means it has to happen. I need a change.
- Also, setting the intention that when Rodger's Memorial does Hairspray this next year, I will be Tracy and fulfill my goal of being on stage at least ONCE in my life. Plus, I am Tracy. This should not be that far of a stretch.
- I also love my best friend. When I tell him "I want to look like so and so because she is the most beautiful person I've ever seen", he tells me "Actually... You look A LOT like her". Even if I'm the fat version of her, it was a nice sentiment.
Um... I think that'll do today. :)
Friday, July 16, 2010
..a little hurt..
So when I'm upset or not friends with one person, I try really hard not to be like "YOU CAN'T BE FRIENDS WITH THAT PERSON BECAUSE I'M NOT FRIENDS WITH THAT PERSON". Really. I used to be bad with that, and I feel I've gotten a lot better (mostly because my best friend is one of those "I have to find out about people for myself" kind of people). However, a current situation has caused me to revert back to this previous way of thinking.
It hurts.
It's not like this was just a misunderstanding. It's not like this was just a disagreement between two friends. This was someone who, for four years, made me miserable 89% of the time. This is someone who went out of their way to hurt me. Who said things to me that I wouldn't even say to my worst enemy (meaning him currently), while still claiming to care about me.
And you were there for all that. You saw everything I went through. You were the ones comforting me when I was upset. You were the ones that I came to because I was completely broken and miserable. Who tried to help me find places to live because I couldn't live there anymore.
And it wasn't even me. You saw it first hand. He was completely horrible to you as well. Why would you want that around you?
I realize that they've said they've changed. And it's great to give second chances. But I heard that for four years. They won't change. Underneath all the smiles and nice things they do for you, they are still the same person they were 6 months ago. Still the same person they will be six months from now.
A quote that is from one of my favorite shows (One Tree Hill):
"Do you think people can change, Brooke? I mean, truly change?" - R
"Well, I'd like to say yes. But honestly? I don't think people really can change. You know at the end of the day you are who you are, and it's probably who you've always been." - B
Just because you fake it, doesn't mean you're any different.
So to sum it up, I understand that everyone has to come to their own conclusions with people. Draw their own opinions. But this wasn't just an opinion. I don't know of many people who don't know this about him. Notice I said "KNOW", not "THINK". Plenty of people know.
<3
It hurts.
It's not like this was just a misunderstanding. It's not like this was just a disagreement between two friends. This was someone who, for four years, made me miserable 89% of the time. This is someone who went out of their way to hurt me. Who said things to me that I wouldn't even say to my worst enemy (meaning him currently), while still claiming to care about me.
And you were there for all that. You saw everything I went through. You were the ones comforting me when I was upset. You were the ones that I came to because I was completely broken and miserable. Who tried to help me find places to live because I couldn't live there anymore.
And it wasn't even me. You saw it first hand. He was completely horrible to you as well. Why would you want that around you?
I realize that they've said they've changed. And it's great to give second chances. But I heard that for four years. They won't change. Underneath all the smiles and nice things they do for you, they are still the same person they were 6 months ago. Still the same person they will be six months from now.
A quote that is from one of my favorite shows (One Tree Hill):
"Do you think people can change, Brooke? I mean, truly change?" - R
"Well, I'd like to say yes. But honestly? I don't think people really can change. You know at the end of the day you are who you are, and it's probably who you've always been." - B
Just because you fake it, doesn't mean you're any different.
So to sum it up, I understand that everyone has to come to their own conclusions with people. Draw their own opinions. But this wasn't just an opinion. I don't know of many people who don't know this about him. Notice I said "KNOW", not "THINK". Plenty of people know.
<3
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
..moving on..
I stumbled upon this quote today:
"You can't change the past, but you can ruin the present by worrying about the future"
It was completely appropriate considering conversations that I've been having lately. And by lately, I mean yesterday and today. So of course, let's blog.
I've had a rough time trusting people in my life. Usually, the people I trusted the most were the ones to hurt me the most. I don't give my trust to people very freely, so each time something happened with a so called "friend", it would cause me to build up all of these insecurities about every single person in my life. Even against the ones that didn't deserve it. Especially against the ones that don't deserve it.
The last year has been almost a reconstructive year in my life. I have gotten rid of the poison in it and by doing so, other portions of my life have started to align. My job is better. My financial situation is better. Everything seems to be just falling into place. However, the one thing I am still having a problem with is trusting people. I am surrounded by amazing friends. And yet, I still don't trust them completely. I have a best friend who constantly tells me that he loves me because he knows that I need to hear it. But I still push him away. I still make up these little "issues" in my head to validate pulling away from him. He's been super patient with me, but I know it's wearing on him. It came to a boiling point yesterday.
So last night I went home and thought about what I can do to fix this one thing that is holding me back from being 100% completely happy. I have to let go of the past. I can't keep holding on to all those insecurities and trust issues. I had a friend tell me today that "like attracts like". I am attracting the people that I want in my life now. And I've attracted some pretty amazing people at this point. I need to focus on those relationships instead of assuming the worst and comparing them to people who they are nothing like. That will make all the difference.
"You can't change the past, but you can ruin the present by worrying about the future"
It was completely appropriate considering conversations that I've been having lately. And by lately, I mean yesterday and today. So of course, let's blog.
I've had a rough time trusting people in my life. Usually, the people I trusted the most were the ones to hurt me the most. I don't give my trust to people very freely, so each time something happened with a so called "friend", it would cause me to build up all of these insecurities about every single person in my life. Even against the ones that didn't deserve it. Especially against the ones that don't deserve it.
The last year has been almost a reconstructive year in my life. I have gotten rid of the poison in it and by doing so, other portions of my life have started to align. My job is better. My financial situation is better. Everything seems to be just falling into place. However, the one thing I am still having a problem with is trusting people. I am surrounded by amazing friends. And yet, I still don't trust them completely. I have a best friend who constantly tells me that he loves me because he knows that I need to hear it. But I still push him away. I still make up these little "issues" in my head to validate pulling away from him. He's been super patient with me, but I know it's wearing on him. It came to a boiling point yesterday.
So last night I went home and thought about what I can do to fix this one thing that is holding me back from being 100% completely happy. I have to let go of the past. I can't keep holding on to all those insecurities and trust issues. I had a friend tell me today that "like attracts like". I am attracting the people that I want in my life now. And I've attracted some pretty amazing people at this point. I need to focus on those relationships instead of assuming the worst and comparing them to people who they are nothing like. That will make all the difference.
Monday, July 12, 2010
..favorite quote..
Another quote from my awesomely sarcastic friend Lindsey. Check out her blog at http://lindseysrantings.blogspot.com/. Readers be warned.
Tasha: "Everyone just assumes I have had sex! What? Do I look like some kind of giant whore or something?!"
Lindsey: "No no no. If you're young and single and good-looking people just assume you've had sex. It's a good thing. When people are shocked that you HAVE had sex, THAT'S when you should worry."
I'll take that as a compliment.
Tasha: "Everyone just assumes I have had sex! What? Do I look like some kind of giant whore or something?!"
Lindsey: "No no no. If you're young and single and good-looking people just assume you've had sex. It's a good thing. When people are shocked that you HAVE had sex, THAT'S when you should worry."
I'll take that as a compliment.
..how much is that doggy in the window?..
I got a puppy! Finally!! He is a miniature daschund and he is the runt of his litter so he is LITERALLY the size of a hamster. Look!
Iiii know! His name is Link (named after Hairspray, not Zelda). Also because he is a weiner dog.. aka a sausage link. Him is adorable and I love him lots. He's just kind of a pain in the ass. Like a baby. Only he is MY baby so it's not like my nephew. I can't give him back to his momma and papa when he starts being a brat.
But I love him :)
Friday, July 2, 2010
..long weekends are my best friends..
I love weekends. I love long weekends more. This happens to be a long weekend. So I love it even more.
So just a few thoughts for today:
- I pride myself on being a relatively smart person. I feel like I've always had the "book smarts". And I've been through quite a bit in my real life to make me feel like I have the "street smarts". Sooo anyway... We went on the boat on Sunday. We were there from approximately 11:00AM to 5:00PM (a long day of boating). Several times throughout the day, Joshua BFF said "Tasha. I think you need to put on sunscreen. You're going to get burned". Me, being stubborn, of course said "Oh no stupid BFF Josh, I want to get TAN! I don't need sunscreen!" (there may have been wine and/or beer involved). So I proceed to lay around the boat all day with no screenage. Monday comes around - I am a lobster. I am so burned that I can't even walk because my knees are burned and swollen. I have never been so burned in my whole life. So the plus side was I would have a nice lovely tan. But now it's peeling so really I will just have a splotchy tan. It's all for nothing... except maybe the lesson that when your friends tell you that you are getting burned, you should probably put on sunscreen. I'm sure from now on, everyone will be babysitting me and constantly telling me to put on sunscreen. Go me.
- Went with the crew to see Eclipse last night. It's my favorite of the 4 books so I was kind of nervous about it. I loved the other two movies, but movies NEVER live up to the books so since this is my favorite, I didn't want them to ruin it. Welll..... I loved it! It still wasn't as good as the book, but they did a really good job with it. All my favorite parts were there, nothing was ruined, and there was a hot, killer vampire that I would certainly be okay dying for.
- Jenna is moving back home. Boo on her. Again with the moving people!? WHHHHY? (shut up Jenna, I know it's to be back with your family) But still. Boooooo. On a positive note - She will now be in a good vacinity to help me find apartments/jobs/a life when I decide to move to Washington next year. So that is the plus of her abandoning all of her Utah friends. Heheh. I'm not as angry as I sound. Maybe a little bitter.
That's all.
So just a few thoughts for today:
- I pride myself on being a relatively smart person. I feel like I've always had the "book smarts". And I've been through quite a bit in my real life to make me feel like I have the "street smarts". Sooo anyway... We went on the boat on Sunday. We were there from approximately 11:00AM to 5:00PM (a long day of boating). Several times throughout the day, Joshua BFF said "Tasha. I think you need to put on sunscreen. You're going to get burned". Me, being stubborn, of course said "Oh no stupid BFF Josh, I want to get TAN! I don't need sunscreen!" (there may have been wine and/or beer involved). So I proceed to lay around the boat all day with no screenage. Monday comes around - I am a lobster. I am so burned that I can't even walk because my knees are burned and swollen. I have never been so burned in my whole life. So the plus side was I would have a nice lovely tan. But now it's peeling so really I will just have a splotchy tan. It's all for nothing... except maybe the lesson that when your friends tell you that you are getting burned, you should probably put on sunscreen. I'm sure from now on, everyone will be babysitting me and constantly telling me to put on sunscreen. Go me.
- Went with the crew to see Eclipse last night. It's my favorite of the 4 books so I was kind of nervous about it. I loved the other two movies, but movies NEVER live up to the books so since this is my favorite, I didn't want them to ruin it. Welll..... I loved it! It still wasn't as good as the book, but they did a really good job with it. All my favorite parts were there, nothing was ruined, and there was a hot, killer vampire that I would certainly be okay dying for.
- Jenna is moving back home. Boo on her. Again with the moving people!? WHHHHY? (shut up Jenna, I know it's to be back with your family) But still. Boooooo. On a positive note - She will now be in a good vacinity to help me find apartments/jobs/a life when I decide to move to Washington next year. So that is the plus of her abandoning all of her Utah friends. Heheh. I'm not as angry as I sound. Maybe a little bitter.
That's all.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
..it's not about who you've known the longest. It's about who came and never left your side...
We all know that I am a huge fan of quotes. Tonight I was talking to a friend and we were talking about connections with people, and this quote came to mind:
"It's not about who you've known the longest. It's about who came and never left your side"
I've heard it before. Many times. For some reason, it really resonated with me tonight. I know that a lot of people put so much emphasis on how long they've been friends with someone. I've had arguments with friends in the past about loyalties and "oh I've known you longer, you should be on my side through this and this and this" (a constant struggle with my latest ex best friend). Does length of time mean everything?
Sometimes you meet someone and have an instant connection with them. It's kind of inexplicable. Just a friend that from the moment you meet them, you feel extremely comfortable with them. It's almost like you don't have to lay the groundwork for a really good friendship - it's already there.
Don't get me wrong, I have plenty of people in my life right now who I have good relationships with that I've known for years, but for the most part, the people I'm closest to in my life right now, I've known a little over a year, maybe shorter than that. They are just such good people that as soon as I met them, I knew that they were meant to be in my life. They made me realize that I shouldn't settle for sub par friendships in my life and that I CERTAINLY shouldn't settle for people who don't bring anything positive to my life.
So whilst sometimes you do have those friends who you've known your whole life, who you will continue to have good friendships with throughout your life, it doesn't always mean everything. More than likely, it's LESS the amount of time you've known that person and MORE about the kind of person they are. That is where loyalty comes from.
"It's not about who you've known the longest. It's about who came and never left your side"
I've heard it before. Many times. For some reason, it really resonated with me tonight. I know that a lot of people put so much emphasis on how long they've been friends with someone. I've had arguments with friends in the past about loyalties and "oh I've known you longer, you should be on my side through this and this and this" (a constant struggle with my latest ex best friend). Does length of time mean everything?
Sometimes you meet someone and have an instant connection with them. It's kind of inexplicable. Just a friend that from the moment you meet them, you feel extremely comfortable with them. It's almost like you don't have to lay the groundwork for a really good friendship - it's already there.
Don't get me wrong, I have plenty of people in my life right now who I have good relationships with that I've known for years, but for the most part, the people I'm closest to in my life right now, I've known a little over a year, maybe shorter than that. They are just such good people that as soon as I met them, I knew that they were meant to be in my life. They made me realize that I shouldn't settle for sub par friendships in my life and that I CERTAINLY shouldn't settle for people who don't bring anything positive to my life.
So whilst sometimes you do have those friends who you've known your whole life, who you will continue to have good friendships with throughout your life, it doesn't always mean everything. More than likely, it's LESS the amount of time you've known that person and MORE about the kind of person they are. That is where loyalty comes from.
Monday, June 28, 2010
..favorite quote..
*Just another day sitting in the basement at our old house*
(conversation between Gray & Josh)
Josh: "Tasha's boobs are mine"
Gray: "No, they are mine"
Josh: "I had them first!"
Gray: "Uh... no... Actually, I had them first!"
Josh: "Well... then why don't you use them!?"
Yep. That's my life.
(conversation between Gray & Josh)
Josh: "Tasha's boobs are mine"
Gray: "No, they are mine"
Josh: "I had them first!"
Gray: "Uh... no... Actually, I had them first!"
Josh: "Well... then why don't you use them!?"
Yep. That's my life.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
..summer is here... finally..
Happy summer my peeps (or internet world since I'm not sure how many of my "peeps" actually read this)! Finally we are getting some warm weather. Hallelujah.
This is another random post. Because they are fun.
- So You Think You Can Dance is AMMMMMAAAZZZZINNNNGGG already this season. The boys are so much stronger than the girls, but they do have a couple of really great girls on there too. To add to that, I have a confusing dilemma. Anyone who knows me knows that I have an unfounded hatred toward Asians. Bahhahahahaha. Just kidding. I don't hate them. I just find myself not liking them. That's terrible. You all think I'm racist now.... But I digress... ANYWAY... There is this (asian) ballet dancer named Alex. He is PHENOMENAL. Seriously. I don't think I've seen anyone that dances like him. So I have my first asian (and I'm sure gaysian) crush. This is confusing and unsettling for me. But seriously? Go and youtube Alex Wong Miami Ballet. Ahhhhh.
Also on this topic - Lyrical HipHop? Genius. Lauren and Dom did a routine to If I Were a Boy last night. Chillys! And Bleeding Love (Chelsea & Mark) is STILL my favorite SYTYCD routine ever. I heart it.
Just makes me miss dancing.
- Friends. Girls. Girl. Friends. At some point in my life (after high school maybe), I grew... weary of friendships with girls. I feel like there is too much drama and cattiness that happens between girls. The coin is still up in the air if gay boys are really ANY better in terms of that, but that has been my most current belief. Anywhoozle... So over the last 5 or 6 years, I have had VERY FEW GOOOD girl friends. I had friends that were girls, but most of them were the catty kind. So that being said, recently I have found myself quite blessed to have discovered a good base of girly friends. I went out and had a girl's night with said group of girls this week and it was just nice to be around people who really are soooo similar to me. The three people I hung out with are scarily alike to myself. Don't get me wrong, I ADORE all my other friends. The youngsters. The talented ones. They all perform. They have that in common. And I always find myself feeling like an outsider no matter how much I love them. These other friends are pretty much at the same point I am in my life. We have all been through variations of the same things. We just understand each other. It's a nice feeling.
- Shocker of all shocks - I have yet to get my pass for Lagoon. I've just been really busy with other things and haven't been able to do it. I think Aaron and Gray hate me a little bit for that.
- If I don't get my iPhone here soon, I am going to have to buy myself a new blackberry. I am so sick of being the only person using a child's Nokia flip phone. I am a professional for heaven's sake! I need a growed up phone!
That might be all for now. Shalom bitches.
This is another random post. Because they are fun.
- So You Think You Can Dance is AMMMMMAAAZZZZINNNNGGG already this season. The boys are so much stronger than the girls, but they do have a couple of really great girls on there too. To add to that, I have a confusing dilemma. Anyone who knows me knows that I have an unfounded hatred toward Asians. Bahhahahahaha. Just kidding. I don't hate them. I just find myself not liking them. That's terrible. You all think I'm racist now.... But I digress... ANYWAY... There is this (asian) ballet dancer named Alex. He is PHENOMENAL. Seriously. I don't think I've seen anyone that dances like him. So I have my first asian (and I'm sure gaysian) crush. This is confusing and unsettling for me. But seriously? Go and youtube Alex Wong Miami Ballet. Ahhhhh.
Also on this topic - Lyrical HipHop? Genius. Lauren and Dom did a routine to If I Were a Boy last night. Chillys! And Bleeding Love (Chelsea & Mark) is STILL my favorite SYTYCD routine ever. I heart it.
Just makes me miss dancing.
- Friends. Girls. Girl. Friends. At some point in my life (after high school maybe), I grew... weary of friendships with girls. I feel like there is too much drama and cattiness that happens between girls. The coin is still up in the air if gay boys are really ANY better in terms of that, but that has been my most current belief. Anywhoozle... So over the last 5 or 6 years, I have had VERY FEW GOOOD girl friends. I had friends that were girls, but most of them were the catty kind. So that being said, recently I have found myself quite blessed to have discovered a good base of girly friends. I went out and had a girl's night with said group of girls this week and it was just nice to be around people who really are soooo similar to me. The three people I hung out with are scarily alike to myself. Don't get me wrong, I ADORE all my other friends. The youngsters. The talented ones. They all perform. They have that in common. And I always find myself feeling like an outsider no matter how much I love them. These other friends are pretty much at the same point I am in my life. We have all been through variations of the same things. We just understand each other. It's a nice feeling.
- Shocker of all shocks - I have yet to get my pass for Lagoon. I've just been really busy with other things and haven't been able to do it. I think Aaron and Gray hate me a little bit for that.
- If I don't get my iPhone here soon, I am going to have to buy myself a new blackberry. I am so sick of being the only person using a child's Nokia flip phone. I am a professional for heaven's sake! I need a growed up phone!
That might be all for now. Shalom bitches.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
..sunday quote..
Another favorite:
(about halfway into our midnight trip to Jackson Hole last summer):
Lindsea: "Gray's already asleep.."
Tasha: "Shocking..."
Lindsea: "Yeah. He's always the first person asleep..."
Josh (dead serious): "You know what that means right?"
Tasha/Lindsea: "What??"
Josh: "...small penis"
Hehe. :)
(about halfway into our midnight trip to Jackson Hole last summer):
Lindsea: "Gray's already asleep.."
Tasha: "Shocking..."
Lindsea: "Yeah. He's always the first person asleep..."
Josh (dead serious): "You know what that means right?"
Tasha/Lindsea: "What??"
Josh: "...small penis"
Hehe. :)
Sunday, June 13, 2010
..sunday quote..
I love quotes. Last summer, our friends group started a respective "quote wall" to remember everything we say. Because... we're witty. It's true. I'm gonna start picking some of my favorite old ones, and some new ones that are sure to come along over this summer. This is my favorite one from a girl I worked with last summer. Hilarious is she.
We were cleaning one day and Lindsey found a plastic crown in the drawer of the front desk at our office -
Lindsey: "this is really small. maybe it's meant for a child"
Me: "haha. yeah. I'm not sure how many crowns they make for adults nowadays"
Lindsey: "Yeah well, with all your gays, you would know"
:)
We were cleaning one day and Lindsey found a plastic crown in the drawer of the front desk at our office -
Lindsey: "this is really small. maybe it's meant for a child"
Me: "haha. yeah. I'm not sure how many crowns they make for adults nowadays"
Lindsey: "Yeah well, with all your gays, you would know"
:)
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
..you can't stop the beat..
Just a couple things to annouce:
- Pride was a success! And by "success" I mean a "hot mess". Josh and I had drank a bottle of Bailey's (with chocolate milk of course), a bottle of Kahlua (with delicious iced coffee, of course) and a bottle of watermelon Smirnoff all before noon. There was a parade. There was yelling out random things and embarrassing ourselves. It was hotter than the surface of hell, and I was FRIED by the end of the day, but I got to be with my best friends and see a lot of people that I haven't seen in ages, and it was a good day. I also saw "he who must not be named", but he stayed a good distance away from me, so even that couldn't ruin my day! :)
- Josh is Link in Hairspray! The regional premiere at Riverton City. I'm so super proud of him. I think he doubts how talented he is sometimes and this is a really great thing for him. He's the FIRST LINK in Utah. That's huuuuuge. PLUS Hairspray is one of my... top 3 favorite musicals, so I probably will end going to see it 4 or 5 times. Don't judge me. Or do. I don't care.
That's pretty much it. Glee's season finale is tonight. Don't fuck it up Glee! :)
- Pride was a success! And by "success" I mean a "hot mess". Josh and I had drank a bottle of Bailey's (with chocolate milk of course), a bottle of Kahlua (with delicious iced coffee, of course) and a bottle of watermelon Smirnoff all before noon. There was a parade. There was yelling out random things and embarrassing ourselves. It was hotter than the surface of hell, and I was FRIED by the end of the day, but I got to be with my best friends and see a lot of people that I haven't seen in ages, and it was a good day. I also saw "he who must not be named", but he stayed a good distance away from me, so even that couldn't ruin my day! :)
- Josh is Link in Hairspray! The regional premiere at Riverton City. I'm so super proud of him. I think he doubts how talented he is sometimes and this is a really great thing for him. He's the FIRST LINK in Utah. That's huuuuuge. PLUS Hairspray is one of my... top 3 favorite musicals, so I probably will end going to see it 4 or 5 times. Don't judge me. Or do. I don't care.
That's pretty much it. Glee's season finale is tonight. Don't fuck it up Glee! :)
Friday, June 4, 2010
..somewhere over the rainbow..
Another Pride weekend is upon us.
I will be drinking.
Starbucks and Kahlua at 9:30 in the morning on Sunday. You bet your ass.
Because if I have to be around that many big old flamers, you can be sure I will need immense amounts of the juice.
It also marks the first time since 2006 that I haven't been "actively" fighting with someone and had to spend the whole time avoiding people (read: Mindy).
Although... I will be trying to avoid Satan and his mistress. *cough* But that is a daily occurence.
It shall be super fun!
I will be drinking.
Starbucks and Kahlua at 9:30 in the morning on Sunday. You bet your ass.
Because if I have to be around that many big old flamers, you can be sure I will need immense amounts of the juice.
It also marks the first time since 2006 that I haven't been "actively" fighting with someone and had to spend the whole time avoiding people (read: Mindy).
Although... I will be trying to avoid Satan and his mistress. *cough* But that is a daily occurence.
It shall be super fun!
Thursday, June 3, 2010
..so you think you can dance?... not anymore!..
Welcome back! Randomness! Yay!
- I miss dancing (see title). I <3 So You Think You Can Dance. It is MY American Idol (pee dot ess... American Idol? You SUCKED this year. Time to go). Believe it or not, I danced from the time I was about 5 up until I graduated high school. Was I amazingly talented? No. I didn't have the "natural talent" that so many of my friends have. BUUUUUUUUUT... I worked EXTREMELY hard at it because I love it. I was crushed when I didn't make the dance company my sophmore year. But I worked really hard over the summer, went to classes, went to dance camp with the team, and by the time junior year started, I was on the team. I was originally put as an alternate on Bonnie Lassies my senior year, but I worked a little bit harder and performed EVERY SINGLE performance with the team and it was the best year of my life. So yeah, I was never amazing, but I was better than good. ANYWAYYYYY... pathetic rant over. I just miss it. Everyone around me is so talented and I don't have that "thing" anymore that I love to do. Sooooo... Yeah. I need to figure out how to get that back.
- I heart Josh's family. Of all the friends that I've had, I've never been really close to any of their families. Usually the opposite. They are invited to my family things. They are close to my mom. They love my family. And I don't know anything about theirs (except maybe they are crazy). Anyway... Josh's family is amazing. They always make me feel like part of the family. His mom is pretty much the sweetest lady ever. I'm glad that I have them as my second little home/family.
- I am on a roll at work. I've sold 4 FOUR!!!!! suites this week. That equals commission for Tasha and that means Tasha gets to go shopping for new clothes because she needs them. Yay!
- The cutest puppy has been at my work this week (shhhhh... no animals allowed). She is a miniature wiener dog and SOOOO little. I fell in love with her. She was $400. I don't got that kind of money. Damn you lady with puppy. Damn y0u.
- They have fixed my A/C in my apartment. It now gets cold in 5 minutes flat. I love it. It makes me like this mini apartment so much more.
- Oh Glee. I have a love/hate relationship with you this season. When you're good, you're AMAZING and make me cry. The bad thing is that (other than Brittany), the show has kind of fallen flat this season. There have been a handful of REALLY good songs, but for the most part... ehhhhhhhh. Mr. Shu? I think you are kind of a tool. Aren't you supposed to be teaching these kids something? Because you're a.... teacher? Not showing them that you should do ANYTHING you can to win. Hmmm... I do like your style though. So kudos there. Just please, for the love of god, STOP RAPPING.
To be fair though, I just watched the "Faithfully" sneak peak from the season finale and it make me get chills and teary eyes, sooooo... the finale might redeem this short and lack luster season.
- Speaking of Glee - Brittany. She could be my best friend. She is hilarious. Her one liners kill me. Man oh man. Everyone says they want her part to be bigger. NO! Keep her where she is. You'll ruin it if you change it!
Annnnd... that might be it for today.
- Oh! One sided friendships piss me off. But that is a story for another day :)
- OH OH! And I love summer. It's coming. And I like it.
- I miss dancing (see title). I <3 So You Think You Can Dance. It is MY American Idol (pee dot ess... American Idol? You SUCKED this year. Time to go). Believe it or not, I danced from the time I was about 5 up until I graduated high school. Was I amazingly talented? No. I didn't have the "natural talent" that so many of my friends have. BUUUUUUUUUT... I worked EXTREMELY hard at it because I love it. I was crushed when I didn't make the dance company my sophmore year. But I worked really hard over the summer, went to classes, went to dance camp with the team, and by the time junior year started, I was on the team. I was originally put as an alternate on Bonnie Lassies my senior year, but I worked a little bit harder and performed EVERY SINGLE performance with the team and it was the best year of my life. So yeah, I was never amazing, but I was better than good. ANYWAYYYYY... pathetic rant over. I just miss it. Everyone around me is so talented and I don't have that "thing" anymore that I love to do. Sooooo... Yeah. I need to figure out how to get that back.
- I heart Josh's family. Of all the friends that I've had, I've never been really close to any of their families. Usually the opposite. They are invited to my family things. They are close to my mom. They love my family. And I don't know anything about theirs (except maybe they are crazy). Anyway... Josh's family is amazing. They always make me feel like part of the family. His mom is pretty much the sweetest lady ever. I'm glad that I have them as my second little home/family.
- I am on a roll at work. I've sold 4 FOUR!!!!! suites this week. That equals commission for Tasha and that means Tasha gets to go shopping for new clothes because she needs them. Yay!
- The cutest puppy has been at my work this week (shhhhh... no animals allowed). She is a miniature wiener dog and SOOOO little. I fell in love with her. She was $400. I don't got that kind of money. Damn you lady with puppy. Damn y0u.
- They have fixed my A/C in my apartment. It now gets cold in 5 minutes flat. I love it. It makes me like this mini apartment so much more.
- Oh Glee. I have a love/hate relationship with you this season. When you're good, you're AMAZING and make me cry. The bad thing is that (other than Brittany), the show has kind of fallen flat this season. There have been a handful of REALLY good songs, but for the most part... ehhhhhhhh. Mr. Shu? I think you are kind of a tool. Aren't you supposed to be teaching these kids something? Because you're a.... teacher? Not showing them that you should do ANYTHING you can to win. Hmmm... I do like your style though. So kudos there. Just please, for the love of god, STOP RAPPING.
To be fair though, I just watched the "Faithfully" sneak peak from the season finale and it make me get chills and teary eyes, sooooo... the finale might redeem this short and lack luster season.
- Speaking of Glee - Brittany. She could be my best friend. She is hilarious. Her one liners kill me. Man oh man. Everyone says they want her part to be bigger. NO! Keep her where she is. You'll ruin it if you change it!
Annnnd... that might be it for today.
- Oh! One sided friendships piss me off. But that is a story for another day :)
- OH OH! And I love summer. It's coming. And I like it.
Friday, May 21, 2010
..i want to forgive you and i want to forget you..
I am a fan of the random bullet blogs today so that is what you are going to get. Yay!
- For the first time in my grown up life, I now have cable and internet in my apartment. Congratulations are in order.
- I also bought a desk last night for said computer. Since I am a girl and lack the fundamental tools to put together said desk, I improvised. I was mocked, but it turns out you CAN put together a desk with super glue and a butter knife when you do not have a screwdriver. It was currently still standing when I left for work this morning, so I consider that a job well done. And I'm slightly impressed with my talent.
- It is possible to have a heart attack when you are 25 years old. Especially when your boss tells you that you (and other managers) have until July 1st to "break even" or you may lose your job. Hearing this will not only make your heart stop for a minute, but it will also make you burst into tears directly following meeting. Don't be embarrassed.
- I am currently out of Tylenol PM. Turns out when you admit to your "best friend" that you may have an problem (jokingly), he will take the Tylenol PM and flush it down the toilet. Tough Love.
- Scenario: (completely hypothetical of course) Say you and a close friend had a falling out. You were horrible to them for quite a few years and pretty much made their life miserable at every opportunity you could. Say they may need extensive psycho therapy for several years to come. So now you're "changing" your bastardily ways and wants this friend back in your life. You have tried to contact said friend numerous times, through email/text/calling/facebook, etc and have not recieved one response from them in any way, shape or form. You also noticed that this friend has now blocked you from contacting them on Facebook. Also, everyone who you know tells you that you need to just back off and leave this person alone. If you are going to be forgiven EVER (which you won't be), you need to let this person come to you in time. So knowing all of this, your next step would be:
A. Respect this person's wishes and all advice given to you and leave them alone. Learn something from the situation and move on and apply to the current relationships in your life.
or
B. Continue stalking and emailing and texting and calling this person to try to wear them down. All the while insisting "you've changed", "you aren't doing this to get into anyone else's good graces", and "you wish there was something you could buy "friend" to make up for everything shitty you've done".
Hmmm.. Tough one. (
Totally hypothetical. Of course.
- On a completely different and unrelated note, when a particular someone says "Everyone else can forgive me, why can't you?", it may cause me to see red and have rage blackouts. First of all, you ASS, you've been a mental terrorist for the better part of the last 4 years. I'm pretty sure if you'd done to them what you've done to me, they wouldn't even bat a lash in your direction. So go ahead and try to make nice with every single one of my friends to try to prove that I'm unforgiving and being unreasonable, but that isn't going to change the fact that I want nothing to do with you. At all. Ever. Thanks!
-Lagoon in coming. I am excited. :) And I don't care if you're judging me.
- For the first time in my grown up life, I now have cable and internet in my apartment. Congratulations are in order.
- I also bought a desk last night for said computer. Since I am a girl and lack the fundamental tools to put together said desk, I improvised. I was mocked, but it turns out you CAN put together a desk with super glue and a butter knife when you do not have a screwdriver. It was currently still standing when I left for work this morning, so I consider that a job well done. And I'm slightly impressed with my talent.
- It is possible to have a heart attack when you are 25 years old. Especially when your boss tells you that you (and other managers) have until July 1st to "break even" or you may lose your job. Hearing this will not only make your heart stop for a minute, but it will also make you burst into tears directly following meeting. Don't be embarrassed.
- I am currently out of Tylenol PM. Turns out when you admit to your "best friend" that you may have an problem (jokingly), he will take the Tylenol PM and flush it down the toilet. Tough Love.
- Scenario: (completely hypothetical of course) Say you and a close friend had a falling out. You were horrible to them for quite a few years and pretty much made their life miserable at every opportunity you could. Say they may need extensive psycho therapy for several years to come. So now you're "changing" your bastardily ways and wants this friend back in your life. You have tried to contact said friend numerous times, through email/text/calling/facebook, etc and have not recieved one response from them in any way, shape or form. You also noticed that this friend has now blocked you from contacting them on Facebook. Also, everyone who you know tells you that you need to just back off and leave this person alone. If you are going to be forgiven EVER (which you won't be), you need to let this person come to you in time. So knowing all of this, your next step would be:
A. Respect this person's wishes and all advice given to you and leave them alone. Learn something from the situation and move on and apply to the current relationships in your life.
or
B. Continue stalking and emailing and texting and calling this person to try to wear them down. All the while insisting "you've changed", "you aren't doing this to get into anyone else's good graces", and "you wish there was something you could buy "friend" to make up for everything shitty you've done".
Hmmm.. Tough one. (
Totally hypothetical. Of course.
- On a completely different and unrelated note, when a particular someone says "Everyone else can forgive me, why can't you?", it may cause me to see red and have rage blackouts. First of all, you ASS, you've been a mental terrorist for the better part of the last 4 years. I'm pretty sure if you'd done to them what you've done to me, they wouldn't even bat a lash in your direction. So go ahead and try to make nice with every single one of my friends to try to prove that I'm unforgiving and being unreasonable, but that isn't going to change the fact that I want nothing to do with you. At all. Ever. Thanks!
-Lagoon in coming. I am excited. :) And I don't care if you're judging me.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
..late saturday/early sunday thoughts..
- Of course, first: Happy mother's day! Not only to my mom, but to my grandma and my awesome sister and aunt's AND to the mothers of my friends whom I love like my own. I look up to you all so much.
Moving on...
- Obviously I have separation anxiety. My best friend has been on vacation for a week now I am scratching my eyes out. I hate when people leave. I think it has to do with every single person that I get close to and really trust... moves away. And with this particular instance, it is even worse because he is planning on moving there. So him being there right now just made it that much more real. I'm not ashamed or too proud to say that it kind of turned me into a mess. Yeah, everyone has talked about it. All the time. And I "pretend" to throw a fit about it and be mad. That "anger" is hiding more hurt than you know. To make it worse, it's not just one friend. It's my best boy friend. My best girl friend. And 3 or 4 other good friends. All at the same time. I can't guarantee I won't have a minor melt down when it happens. Just saying.
- Part of the way for me to handle people leaving is to push them away before they move. Be prepared for that. I'll try not to do it but I can't promise anything. Don't let me.
- I also can't guarantee I won't try everything I can to get you guys to stay. Including all the statistics of how many people got killed in LA in the last year. And how expensive it is. I'll be doing research.
- Haha. Even though I just bitched about everyone leaving me (the irony is that its okay for me to leave you, just not you to leave me), I fully plan by this time next year living in Washington. I want to work in Seattle. Maybe not LIVE right in Seattle, but I want to live in Washington. I always have. So I'm really going to pull myself together this year and get there. It's an experience that I think I need to have in my life while I'm young.
- I may have a Tylenol PM addiction. I'm currently seeking help.
- I also like Vicodin when it makes my legs fall asleep.
- I LOVE Cody Jensen. I can't even explain how happy I am to have him back around. He is amazing. That's all.
- I want my effing iPhone (ROBBIE!)
- How much do I love $1200 checks every two weeks? Seriously. Its amazing that I'm actually making good money right now. This may turn me into a workaholic. And I'm okay with that.
- Cherry Soda? OMG amazing. Bad for me? Yehhhhhhh. Meh meh meh.
I apologize for the randomness of this post. I'm (shocking) starting to feel the Tylenol PM. Hehe.
Moving on...
- Obviously I have separation anxiety. My best friend has been on vacation for a week now I am scratching my eyes out. I hate when people leave. I think it has to do with every single person that I get close to and really trust... moves away. And with this particular instance, it is even worse because he is planning on moving there. So him being there right now just made it that much more real. I'm not ashamed or too proud to say that it kind of turned me into a mess. Yeah, everyone has talked about it. All the time. And I "pretend" to throw a fit about it and be mad. That "anger" is hiding more hurt than you know. To make it worse, it's not just one friend. It's my best boy friend. My best girl friend. And 3 or 4 other good friends. All at the same time. I can't guarantee I won't have a minor melt down when it happens. Just saying.
- Part of the way for me to handle people leaving is to push them away before they move. Be prepared for that. I'll try not to do it but I can't promise anything. Don't let me.
- I also can't guarantee I won't try everything I can to get you guys to stay. Including all the statistics of how many people got killed in LA in the last year. And how expensive it is. I'll be doing research.
- Haha. Even though I just bitched about everyone leaving me (the irony is that its okay for me to leave you, just not you to leave me), I fully plan by this time next year living in Washington. I want to work in Seattle. Maybe not LIVE right in Seattle, but I want to live in Washington. I always have. So I'm really going to pull myself together this year and get there. It's an experience that I think I need to have in my life while I'm young.
- I may have a Tylenol PM addiction. I'm currently seeking help.
- I also like Vicodin when it makes my legs fall asleep.
- I LOVE Cody Jensen. I can't even explain how happy I am to have him back around. He is amazing. That's all.
- I want my effing iPhone (ROBBIE!)
- How much do I love $1200 checks every two weeks? Seriously. Its amazing that I'm actually making good money right now. This may turn me into a workaholic. And I'm okay with that.
- Cherry Soda? OMG amazing. Bad for me? Yehhhhhhh. Meh meh meh.
I apologize for the randomness of this post. I'm (shocking) starting to feel the Tylenol PM. Hehe.
Friday, April 23, 2010
..rainy thoughts..
This week has pretty much sucked all kinds of nuts. Defs not in a good way. So some thoughts for the close of the week:
- I love rain. I am moving to Seattle. Done.
- I am an idiot. I blow the tiniest things out of proportion and cause huge amounts of drama because of my own insecurities. Then I have a panic attack because I realize that I'm doing it and over compensate to fix it. And cause more drama. I don't want to be that person anymore. I'm extremely lucky to have the people that I have in my life, in my life (one person in particular) and I need to stop thinking that it's "too good to be true" and that every one of them is going to screw me over. I get in this mind set of "hurt them before they hurt you". So I pull away fast and end up pissing people off when there really isn't a problem. Gotta stop that.
- Hmm... Soooo... I am a big believer in second chances. I am nowhere near perfect, and I've had to use my (as Mindy and Brandon so LOVINGLY put it) Get Out of Jail Free card quite a few times in my life with different people for different reasons. So I feel that in order to have good karmic balance, it's necessary to extend that to other people when I feel they've done me wrong. That being said, how many chances are too many? If you've given someone 5, 6 or 7 chances to change and to be a better person, and they still screw you over, isn't it okay to walk away and say "no more"? What if this said person has just suffered a huge loss and their world is crumbling apart and they come back to you and say they aren't that person they've proven themselves time and time again to be? Do you give them yet another "chance"? I'm currently wrestling with this little dilemma. My gut is screaming at me not to trust it. My instinct is telling me to run away, and fast. But the people in my life seem to think that this person may have finally hit the bottom and really is changing. Does that mean they get a free pass? To cancel out all the things they've said and done to me that have caused irreversable damage to me mentally and emotionally? I realize how dramatic that sounds, but I'm not even slightly joking. I just really feel like if this person is making a change in their life, that is great. But that doesn't mean they should get a "redo" with everyone in their life who they really hurt. Learn. Move on. Apply it to the new people who come into your life. Right? I don't know. Bah. Biggest frustration in my life.
- I am loving my job right now. On the flip, I am extremely discouraged. I really am working my ass off but I can't get anything to stick. And my center is a big peice of crap. Everyone who calls is interested in one of the other centers. All the maintenence and repairs and upgrades and blah blah blah go to the other centers. My carpet is pretty much falling apart and yet, they give one of the other centers new carpet... when their carpet was already WAY nicer than what I have. So you want me to sell space in a center that is already Class B space... AND smells like nasty cafeteria food, BUT you won't help me out so that it looks a little bit nicer. COME ON PEOPLE. I have had 3 people put in their notices in the last week. It's not because they don't like it here, but STILL, that is extremely aggravating. I feel like a failure. Bah.
- I have a feeling I'm going to hate my apartment once summer hits. It's barely reached 70 degrees in the last month and that day, it was already hot as hell in my apartment and my tiny motel room A/C unit sucks. It just smells mildewy. So I can't even imagine how it's going to be when it's 100 degrees outside. And anyone who knows me knows there are three things that make me a bitch. Being hot. Being hungry. Being tired. So yeah. Good times this summer.
- I want a puppy. Whoever buys me one can officially be my new best friend. Although, at this point, I'm not sure that's a title anyone wants. But whatever.
That's all. Shalom bitches.
- I love rain. I am moving to Seattle. Done.
- I am an idiot. I blow the tiniest things out of proportion and cause huge amounts of drama because of my own insecurities. Then I have a panic attack because I realize that I'm doing it and over compensate to fix it. And cause more drama. I don't want to be that person anymore. I'm extremely lucky to have the people that I have in my life, in my life (one person in particular) and I need to stop thinking that it's "too good to be true" and that every one of them is going to screw me over. I get in this mind set of "hurt them before they hurt you". So I pull away fast and end up pissing people off when there really isn't a problem. Gotta stop that.
- Hmm... Soooo... I am a big believer in second chances. I am nowhere near perfect, and I've had to use my (as Mindy and Brandon so LOVINGLY put it) Get Out of Jail Free card quite a few times in my life with different people for different reasons. So I feel that in order to have good karmic balance, it's necessary to extend that to other people when I feel they've done me wrong. That being said, how many chances are too many? If you've given someone 5, 6 or 7 chances to change and to be a better person, and they still screw you over, isn't it okay to walk away and say "no more"? What if this said person has just suffered a huge loss and their world is crumbling apart and they come back to you and say they aren't that person they've proven themselves time and time again to be? Do you give them yet another "chance"? I'm currently wrestling with this little dilemma. My gut is screaming at me not to trust it. My instinct is telling me to run away, and fast. But the people in my life seem to think that this person may have finally hit the bottom and really is changing. Does that mean they get a free pass? To cancel out all the things they've said and done to me that have caused irreversable damage to me mentally and emotionally? I realize how dramatic that sounds, but I'm not even slightly joking. I just really feel like if this person is making a change in their life, that is great. But that doesn't mean they should get a "redo" with everyone in their life who they really hurt. Learn. Move on. Apply it to the new people who come into your life. Right? I don't know. Bah. Biggest frustration in my life.
- I am loving my job right now. On the flip, I am extremely discouraged. I really am working my ass off but I can't get anything to stick. And my center is a big peice of crap. Everyone who calls is interested in one of the other centers. All the maintenence and repairs and upgrades and blah blah blah go to the other centers. My carpet is pretty much falling apart and yet, they give one of the other centers new carpet... when their carpet was already WAY nicer than what I have. So you want me to sell space in a center that is already Class B space... AND smells like nasty cafeteria food, BUT you won't help me out so that it looks a little bit nicer. COME ON PEOPLE. I have had 3 people put in their notices in the last week. It's not because they don't like it here, but STILL, that is extremely aggravating. I feel like a failure. Bah.
- I have a feeling I'm going to hate my apartment once summer hits. It's barely reached 70 degrees in the last month and that day, it was already hot as hell in my apartment and my tiny motel room A/C unit sucks. It just smells mildewy. So I can't even imagine how it's going to be when it's 100 degrees outside. And anyone who knows me knows there are three things that make me a bitch. Being hot. Being hungry. Being tired. So yeah. Good times this summer.
- I want a puppy. Whoever buys me one can officially be my new best friend. Although, at this point, I'm not sure that's a title anyone wants. But whatever.
That's all. Shalom bitches.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
..music for life (pissed version) edition 1..
It's been awhile. I always want to be witty and fun on here so it discourages me from writing when I am not. :) I am not going to be witty today either, but I've been dealing with a situation this week that made me realize (once again) that I use music for EVERYTHING in my life. When I'm upset or happy or hurt or angry, there is always a song to identify. So through my awesome girlfriends, Mindy and Jenna, we pretty much have the market cornered on playlists for when we're pissed/hurt/over the boys (or anyone really, but mostly boys) that are in our lives. For your (or mostly my own) entertainment, my"pissed off playlist" (including some of my favorite lyrics):
Undo It -Carrie Underwood
"Now your photos don't have a picture frame,
and I never say your name and I never will.
All your things, well I threw them in the trash,
and I'm not even sad"
You're Not Sorry - Taylor Swift
"All this time I was wasting hoping you would come around.
I've been giving out chances every time and all you do is let me down.
And it's taken me this long, baby but I figured you out.
And you're thinking we'll be fine again, but not this time around"
Take a Bow - Rihanna
"Grab your clothes and get gone.
You better hurry up before the sprinklers come on.
Talking about "Girl I love you, you're the one".
This just looks like a rerun. Please. What else is on?"
How Strong Are You Now? - Rascal Flatts
"Before she left you told yourself it can't hurt that much
Now you're doubled over like you took a punch.
No she ain't coming back, tell me how much can you take of that?
How strong are you now? Without her around?
You can't even keep one little bitty tear from falling down.
Tell me how strong are you now?"
Fearless - Colbie Caillat
"Then this is how it ends and I'm alright with it, you're never gonna see me cry cause I've cried
So go on, go on and break my heart, I'll be okay.
There's nothing you can do to me, that's ever gonna bury me"
Brave - Idina Menzel
"If this is the moment I stand here on my own.
If this is my right of passage that somehow leads me home
I might be afraid, but it's my turn to be brave.
If this is the last chance before we say goodbye,
at least it's the first day of the rest of my life.
I can't be afraid, it's my turn to be brave"
No Reins - Rascal Flatts
"She left that loser in a dust cloud, heart in his hand, chin on the ground,
cried her last tear for that clown, she can see a little clearer now"
Songs Like This - Carrie Underwood
"If it wasn't for guys like you, there wouldn't be songs like this,
and if you hadn't gone and done me wrong, I wouldn't go off like this.
Yeah, even I'm surprised how easy sweet reveng rolls off my lips
If it wasn't for guys like you there wouldn't be songs like this"
Forever and Always - Taylor Swift
"Was I out of line? Did I say something way too honest that made you run and hide
like a scared little boy?
I looked into your eyes, thought I knew you for a minute, now I'm not so sure."
Everything You're Not - Demi Lovato
"I've been bruised and I've been broken, can't believe that I put up with all this pain.
I've been used and I was choking on the promise I would never fall again.
I used to sing to your twisted symphony.
The words that had me trapped inside your misery
But now I know the reason that I couldn't breathe.
Cause all I want is everything you're not
So go ahead and slam the door cuz you can't shut me out.
No I don't, don't care what you say
Cuz all I really, all I really want is everything you're not"
That's all for now! Tata!
Undo It -Carrie Underwood
"Now your photos don't have a picture frame,
and I never say your name and I never will.
All your things, well I threw them in the trash,
and I'm not even sad"
You're Not Sorry - Taylor Swift
"All this time I was wasting hoping you would come around.
I've been giving out chances every time and all you do is let me down.
And it's taken me this long, baby but I figured you out.
And you're thinking we'll be fine again, but not this time around"
Take a Bow - Rihanna
"Grab your clothes and get gone.
You better hurry up before the sprinklers come on.
Talking about "Girl I love you, you're the one".
This just looks like a rerun. Please. What else is on?"
How Strong Are You Now? - Rascal Flatts
"Before she left you told yourself it can't hurt that much
Now you're doubled over like you took a punch.
No she ain't coming back, tell me how much can you take of that?
How strong are you now? Without her around?
You can't even keep one little bitty tear from falling down.
Tell me how strong are you now?"
Fearless - Colbie Caillat
"Then this is how it ends and I'm alright with it, you're never gonna see me cry cause I've cried
So go on, go on and break my heart, I'll be okay.
There's nothing you can do to me, that's ever gonna bury me"
Brave - Idina Menzel
"If this is the moment I stand here on my own.
If this is my right of passage that somehow leads me home
I might be afraid, but it's my turn to be brave.
If this is the last chance before we say goodbye,
at least it's the first day of the rest of my life.
I can't be afraid, it's my turn to be brave"
No Reins - Rascal Flatts
"She left that loser in a dust cloud, heart in his hand, chin on the ground,
cried her last tear for that clown, she can see a little clearer now"
Songs Like This - Carrie Underwood
"If it wasn't for guys like you, there wouldn't be songs like this,
and if you hadn't gone and done me wrong, I wouldn't go off like this.
Yeah, even I'm surprised how easy sweet reveng rolls off my lips
If it wasn't for guys like you there wouldn't be songs like this"
Forever and Always - Taylor Swift
"Was I out of line? Did I say something way too honest that made you run and hide
like a scared little boy?
I looked into your eyes, thought I knew you for a minute, now I'm not so sure."
Everything You're Not - Demi Lovato
"I've been bruised and I've been broken, can't believe that I put up with all this pain.
I've been used and I was choking on the promise I would never fall again.
I used to sing to your twisted symphony.
The words that had me trapped inside your misery
But now I know the reason that I couldn't breathe.
Cause all I want is everything you're not
So go ahead and slam the door cuz you can't shut me out.
No I don't, don't care what you say
Cuz all I really, all I really want is everything you're not"
That's all for now! Tata!
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
..flaws (or things that i've accepted in myself)..
So after a conversation that I've had with one of my closest friends, I have been really anazlying things in my life that I could maybe change and make things easier on people (myself included). I feel like I've really changed over the last few years. I've gotten rid of some really bad habits, I'm working on becoming more healthy, and financially stable. I'm really proud of those things. However I do feel that there are things that other people might see as faults. They are things that I know are hard to deal with sometimes and that don't really make sense, but they are also things that make me, ME. So I have decided to accept them because the people who really love me and are meant to be in my life will understand that. :)
1). Emotional. I cry over nothing. Or I cry over everything. Potato, potahto. I'm emotional. I don't think that comes as a shock to anyone. Usually girls, are emotional. Maybe not as much as I am, but still. I cry. I'm moody. I throw fits. I pout. I guilt trip. Good news? Being emotional also means that when I'm happy, I'm EXTREMELY happy. When I love, I love with my whole heart. I put everything I have into my relationships with all the people in my life. I may feel things really intensely, but it's not JUST the bad things.
2). I read WAY too much into everything. If you short text me, I will over analyze it. I will wonder why you are sending me one word texts and assume it's because you hate me. Or you're pissed off at me. Logically? I should assume you are busy. Or that you're being safe and not texting and driving. But I don't. I will decide you hate me and pester you all night about why you hate me. Sorry about that. Good news? You will never get short texts from me. I will overthink everything I say to you to make sure I don't hurt your feelings.
3). Insecure. "Yay! Insecurities!" I don't think anyone ever says that. No one likes them, but they aren't something you can just get rid of. More than likely, any insecurity or self conscious feeling you have derived from an instance (or several) in your life. And sometimes, those kinds of things just don't go away. My "insecurities" come from in the past choosing to keep people in my life who were really toxic. People who would constantly remind me how lucky I was to have them in my life, while slowly breaking down any self confidence I have in myself. People who were shady and hurtful and said things that people who care about you should never ever say. This wasn't just one instance. And this was absolutely my fault. I had the power to change that and eventually I did. However, it has left me with some extreme trust issues and some unbelievable scars. If you are close to me at all, you know this. If you are being shady, if you are being manipulative, I will constantly compare you to these people. Even if you aren't, but I feel like you are giving me signs relating back to things that have happened to me in the past, I will jump to the worst possible conclusion. Good news? I will go out of my way to make sure that I'm being open and honest with you. I will be on your side through anything and tell you 800 million times how much I love you and how lucky I am to have you in my life. You never have to worry about me betraying you because I would never want you to feel the way that I know I've felt when someone I love has stabbed me in the back.
4). Reassurance Whore. This ties together with insecurities. I expect you to tell me how awesomely amazing I am. I expect you to tell me you love me. I expect you to reassure me when I'm having a rough night and am being difficult and hateful and trying to start fights with you. I know I'm a pain in the ass sometimes. I know I expect a lot, but I promise I will do the same exact thing for you when you need it. Probably even when you don't.
I make a lot of mistakes. I'm nowhere near perfect. I say things I don't mean. I am HORRIBLE at confrontation. I can't prioritize to save my life. I spend too much time on Facebook. I don't know anything about politics. I will drive you crazy sometimes. But...
I'm me. Take it or leave it. :)
1). Emotional. I cry over nothing. Or I cry over everything. Potato, potahto. I'm emotional. I don't think that comes as a shock to anyone. Usually girls, are emotional. Maybe not as much as I am, but still. I cry. I'm moody. I throw fits. I pout. I guilt trip. Good news? Being emotional also means that when I'm happy, I'm EXTREMELY happy. When I love, I love with my whole heart. I put everything I have into my relationships with all the people in my life. I may feel things really intensely, but it's not JUST the bad things.
2). I read WAY too much into everything. If you short text me, I will over analyze it. I will wonder why you are sending me one word texts and assume it's because you hate me. Or you're pissed off at me. Logically? I should assume you are busy. Or that you're being safe and not texting and driving. But I don't. I will decide you hate me and pester you all night about why you hate me. Sorry about that. Good news? You will never get short texts from me. I will overthink everything I say to you to make sure I don't hurt your feelings.
3). Insecure. "Yay! Insecurities!" I don't think anyone ever says that. No one likes them, but they aren't something you can just get rid of. More than likely, any insecurity or self conscious feeling you have derived from an instance (or several) in your life. And sometimes, those kinds of things just don't go away. My "insecurities" come from in the past choosing to keep people in my life who were really toxic. People who would constantly remind me how lucky I was to have them in my life, while slowly breaking down any self confidence I have in myself. People who were shady and hurtful and said things that people who care about you should never ever say. This wasn't just one instance. And this was absolutely my fault. I had the power to change that and eventually I did. However, it has left me with some extreme trust issues and some unbelievable scars. If you are close to me at all, you know this. If you are being shady, if you are being manipulative, I will constantly compare you to these people. Even if you aren't, but I feel like you are giving me signs relating back to things that have happened to me in the past, I will jump to the worst possible conclusion. Good news? I will go out of my way to make sure that I'm being open and honest with you. I will be on your side through anything and tell you 800 million times how much I love you and how lucky I am to have you in my life. You never have to worry about me betraying you because I would never want you to feel the way that I know I've felt when someone I love has stabbed me in the back.
4). Reassurance Whore. This ties together with insecurities. I expect you to tell me how awesomely amazing I am. I expect you to tell me you love me. I expect you to reassure me when I'm having a rough night and am being difficult and hateful and trying to start fights with you. I know I'm a pain in the ass sometimes. I know I expect a lot, but I promise I will do the same exact thing for you when you need it. Probably even when you don't.
I make a lot of mistakes. I'm nowhere near perfect. I say things I don't mean. I am HORRIBLE at confrontation. I can't prioritize to save my life. I spend too much time on Facebook. I don't know anything about politics. I will drive you crazy sometimes. But...
I'm me. Take it or leave it. :)
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
..copy cat - 50 things i love..
I've noticed that all the blogs I subscribe to have been doing this, so I'm gonna do it too :)
50 things I love:
1. Family.
2. Rain.
3. Cafe Rio.
4. Friends.
4. Grape Crystal Light (thx Jessica!).
5. Cinnamon Bears... or Bunnies.. or Santas.
6. Tanning.
7. My Best Friend.
8. Dancing.
9. Singing in the Car.
10. Cute Text Messages.
11. Teal.
12. Facebook.
13. Hugs.
14. Books.
15. My Nephew.
16. My Job.
17. People Who Communicate.
18. Zupas Ultimate Grilled Cheese.
19. MUSIC.
20. Late Night Applebee's Trips.
21. Pens That Write Well.
22. Love Spell Lotion.
23. Washington.
24. Blackberries (the phones).
25. Yogurt.
26. Lazy Days.
27. Being Sore from Working Out.
28. Laughing Til You Cry.
29. Cuddling.
30. Moutain Dew.
31. Sleeping In.
32. Spring :)
33. Road Trips!
34. Living Alone.
35. Reconnecting with old friends.
36. Bonding with new friends.
37. Musicals.
38. F.R.I.E.N.D.S (the tv show)
39. Sleepovers.
40. Stars.
41. Emotions.
42. Flat Irons.
43. iPods.
44. Boy.
45. Texting.
46. American Idol.
47. Cheesecake.
48. Dreams.
49. Meaningful Conversations.
50. Life.
50 things I love:
1. Family.
2. Rain.
3. Cafe Rio.
4. Friends.
4. Grape Crystal Light (thx Jessica!).
5. Cinnamon Bears... or Bunnies.. or Santas.
6. Tanning.
7. My Best Friend.
8. Dancing.
9. Singing in the Car.
10. Cute Text Messages.
11. Teal.
12. Facebook.
13. Hugs.
14. Books.
15. My Nephew.
16. My Job.
17. People Who Communicate.
18. Zupas Ultimate Grilled Cheese.
19. MUSIC.
20. Late Night Applebee's Trips.
21. Pens That Write Well.
22. Love Spell Lotion.
23. Washington.
24. Blackberries (the phones).
25. Yogurt.
26. Lazy Days.
27. Being Sore from Working Out.
28. Laughing Til You Cry.
29. Cuddling.
30. Moutain Dew.
31. Sleeping In.
32. Spring :)
33. Road Trips!
34. Living Alone.
35. Reconnecting with old friends.
36. Bonding with new friends.
37. Musicals.
38. F.R.I.E.N.D.S (the tv show)
39. Sleepovers.
40. Stars.
41. Emotions.
42. Flat Irons.
43. iPods.
44. Boy.
45. Texting.
46. American Idol.
47. Cheesecake.
48. Dreams.
49. Meaningful Conversations.
50. Life.
Monday, February 22, 2010
..four things that suck about living in an apartment...and four things that don't..
Sooo... For the most part, I LOVE my new apartment. But I had lived in a house for a year so some things are taking some adjusting to. Here is the gripe list:
1) Laundry Facilities. The apartments at my complex aren't big enough to house a washer and dryer (not that I have one to house even if it were). I've lived with Robbie for the last year or so and he has everything. So when he bought a new washer/dryer? I had a new washer/dryer! Yayyyy. So... the up side is that at least my apartment complex has laundry facilities ON SITE. And it's pretty large. But really the only time I have time to do laundry is on Sundays. Well... apparently that is the only the time WHOLE DAMN APARTMENT COMPLEX has time to do laundry too. Which is fine. I can wait. What I HATE is that people will put their laundry in and then not come move it from washer to dryer or from dryer to their hamper. So it just sits there taking up space and my ONE load of laundry ends up taking 5 hours to do because I am waiting for a washer or a dryer to be available. Plus I have to pay for it and no one likes paying to do chores.
2) Gym Time. So you've all been reading my previous blogs about getting in shape. Well.. I was planning on using my gym at my apartment. Free! Yay! So the first couple days I lived there I went in and there were quite a few people in there, but there were still a couple machines to use. Well... Every.Single.Day that I've gone back, the army of "terrorists" (yes, I realize this is racial profiling. No, I don't care) have confiscated the ENTIRE gym and all of its machines. They all go in together and while one of them is running, the other one sits and talks to them. Then they switch. I've tried waiting. I've tried going back later. They are ALWAYS there. So I have taken to doing Turbo Jam in my (tiny) living room.
3) Quiet Time. "Quiet Time" is between the hours of 10PM and 6AM. Which isn't BAD, I mean, I tend to go to bed pretty early during the week anyway. But there are some days when I have people over, and as a group... we tend to be pretty loud. I've been avoiding having any sort of housewarming party or anything because *cough* sometimesthereisalcoholinvolved *cough* and *cough* sometimessomeofmyfriendsareunderage *cough* and I don't want the po-po showing up on my doorstep. It was much easier to conceal this in a house (except when certain "roommates" would threaten to call the cops on us because he is bat shit crazy... that's all I'm saying).
4) Proximity. This will be on my "good" and "bad" list. The bad part of it is everytime someone is vacuuming their apartment at 7:30 on a Saturday morning, I can hear it. When the people behind me slam their kitchen cupboard doors shut (which they do ALL.NIGHT.LONG.), I hear it. Also, I'm pretty sure that they probably think I'm being abused because on the nights that Josh stays over, we have a tendancy to hit/kick/bite/punch each other and scream and knock each other off the bed. Into walls. So they either think we are abusing each other or that we have a very... active?... love life. *cough* Either way, no bueno.
So... that is the gripes list. Now the things that are WONDERFUL about living in an apartment (especially an apartment that is just yours and no one elses... except for your gay boyfriend who keeps his toothbrush and deoderant in your bathroom):
1) Covered Parking. OMG. LOOVVE covered parking. I don't care much about it in the summer. But in the winter, or even when it's just cold, I LOVE IT. No more scraping off my car. No more trudging (and more than likely, falling) down while trying to scrape off my car. And my apartment complex doesn't have ASSIGNED covered parking, so I don't end up with one that is clear down the road from my apartment. I love that. Plus they really don't monitor it very well so even though they tell you that guests shouldn't park under the covered stuff, how will they know REALLY?
2) Maintenence Men. I can take care of a lot of things myself. I pride myself on being (at least a little) independent and grown up. But from living in our house I saw how much more work it was than an apartment. We (read: Robbie) would have to take care of things like broken heaters and flooded basements and clogged sinks and shit. We had a landlord, but he was a douche and Robbie ended up fixing everything instead of waiting on the deadbeat landlord to fix it. In my apartment, if any of those things go wrong, I just fill out a little form online and its magically taken care of when I get home from work. Yay!
3) Proximity. I'm kind of a baby. I'm paranoid and I always feel like someone is going to break in and murder me in the middle of the night. Whenever I would have to stay at my house by myself, I would sleep with the tv and the light on (yes, I am 12, thank you for asking) and would pray for daylight to come. The nice thing about my apartment is that I KNOW there are people around and that's comforting to me. Even if I'm alone in my apartment, there are 150 other units within walking distance of me. This also makes me feel like it's quite good odds that if someone WERE to go on a crazy killing spree, it would be less likely that they would choose my apartment. That's safety.
4) Small Space/Small Furniture. Maybe you wouldn't think of this as a "perk", but since I am the moving queen of the universe, that also means that when I move around, I have to pack. I hate packing. I LOATHE packing. Sooooo... having a smaller apartment means that I don't have to have much furniture in order to keep it furnished. Ergo - that means I also don't have much to move when I move around. Yay! This also means it's cheaper to furnish and I like that story.
So yeah. That is how I feel. Go me!
1) Laundry Facilities. The apartments at my complex aren't big enough to house a washer and dryer (not that I have one to house even if it were). I've lived with Robbie for the last year or so and he has everything. So when he bought a new washer/dryer? I had a new washer/dryer! Yayyyy. So... the up side is that at least my apartment complex has laundry facilities ON SITE. And it's pretty large. But really the only time I have time to do laundry is on Sundays. Well... apparently that is the only the time WHOLE DAMN APARTMENT COMPLEX has time to do laundry too. Which is fine. I can wait. What I HATE is that people will put their laundry in and then not come move it from washer to dryer or from dryer to their hamper. So it just sits there taking up space and my ONE load of laundry ends up taking 5 hours to do because I am waiting for a washer or a dryer to be available. Plus I have to pay for it and no one likes paying to do chores.
2) Gym Time. So you've all been reading my previous blogs about getting in shape. Well.. I was planning on using my gym at my apartment. Free! Yay! So the first couple days I lived there I went in and there were quite a few people in there, but there were still a couple machines to use. Well... Every.Single.Day that I've gone back, the army of "terrorists" (yes, I realize this is racial profiling. No, I don't care) have confiscated the ENTIRE gym and all of its machines. They all go in together and while one of them is running, the other one sits and talks to them. Then they switch. I've tried waiting. I've tried going back later. They are ALWAYS there. So I have taken to doing Turbo Jam in my (tiny) living room.
3) Quiet Time. "Quiet Time" is between the hours of 10PM and 6AM. Which isn't BAD, I mean, I tend to go to bed pretty early during the week anyway. But there are some days when I have people over, and as a group... we tend to be pretty loud. I've been avoiding having any sort of housewarming party or anything because *cough* sometimesthereisalcoholinvolved *cough* and *cough* sometimessomeofmyfriendsareunderage *cough* and I don't want the po-po showing up on my doorstep. It was much easier to conceal this in a house (except when certain "roommates" would threaten to call the cops on us because he is bat shit crazy... that's all I'm saying).
4) Proximity. This will be on my "good" and "bad" list. The bad part of it is everytime someone is vacuuming their apartment at 7:30 on a Saturday morning, I can hear it. When the people behind me slam their kitchen cupboard doors shut (which they do ALL.NIGHT.LONG.), I hear it. Also, I'm pretty sure that they probably think I'm being abused because on the nights that Josh stays over, we have a tendancy to hit/kick/bite/punch each other and scream and knock each other off the bed. Into walls. So they either think we are abusing each other or that we have a very... active?... love life. *cough* Either way, no bueno.
So... that is the gripes list. Now the things that are WONDERFUL about living in an apartment (especially an apartment that is just yours and no one elses... except for your gay boyfriend who keeps his toothbrush and deoderant in your bathroom):
1) Covered Parking. OMG. LOOVVE covered parking. I don't care much about it in the summer. But in the winter, or even when it's just cold, I LOVE IT. No more scraping off my car. No more trudging (and more than likely, falling) down while trying to scrape off my car. And my apartment complex doesn't have ASSIGNED covered parking, so I don't end up with one that is clear down the road from my apartment. I love that. Plus they really don't monitor it very well so even though they tell you that guests shouldn't park under the covered stuff, how will they know REALLY?
2) Maintenence Men. I can take care of a lot of things myself. I pride myself on being (at least a little) independent and grown up. But from living in our house I saw how much more work it was than an apartment. We (read: Robbie) would have to take care of things like broken heaters and flooded basements and clogged sinks and shit. We had a landlord, but he was a douche and Robbie ended up fixing everything instead of waiting on the deadbeat landlord to fix it. In my apartment, if any of those things go wrong, I just fill out a little form online and its magically taken care of when I get home from work. Yay!
3) Proximity. I'm kind of a baby. I'm paranoid and I always feel like someone is going to break in and murder me in the middle of the night. Whenever I would have to stay at my house by myself, I would sleep with the tv and the light on (yes, I am 12, thank you for asking) and would pray for daylight to come. The nice thing about my apartment is that I KNOW there are people around and that's comforting to me. Even if I'm alone in my apartment, there are 150 other units within walking distance of me. This also makes me feel like it's quite good odds that if someone WERE to go on a crazy killing spree, it would be less likely that they would choose my apartment. That's safety.
4) Small Space/Small Furniture. Maybe you wouldn't think of this as a "perk", but since I am the moving queen of the universe, that also means that when I move around, I have to pack. I hate packing. I LOATHE packing. Sooooo... having a smaller apartment means that I don't have to have much furniture in order to keep it furnished. Ergo - that means I also don't have much to move when I move around. Yay! This also means it's cheaper to furnish and I like that story.
So yeah. That is how I feel. Go me!
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
..let's give this another try shall we?..
So pretty much I bailed on my New Year's Resolutions pretty early into the year (shocking no? No.) So over the past few days I have realized that there are a few things that I need to make an EXTRA SUPER effort at and recommit to. So here I am. If I write it down, it makes it more real. Right?
Recommitment: Work.
Sometimes I am super driven and really good at following through with things. Sometimes... I am lazy. And I have been getting more and more lazy over the last couple of months. We are in this weird transition right now and one of the girls I work with KIND OF (read: ABSOLUTELY) makes me want to stab her in the neck with a dull pencil. So I am losing a lot of steam to actually want to get things accomplished. Good news is that she is transitioning to another role so hopefully (fingers crossed), she will be out of my hair and actually let me do my job. I really LOVE LOVE LOVE what I do. It's constantly changing and I love that. I don't get bored and people really make me feel like I make a contribution here, which is different from every other job that I've had. So I just need to get recommitted and stop focusing on possibly violent acts I could commit to said co worker. :)
Recommitment: Dieting.
AHHHHHH! I hate dieting. (Or not dieting, "change of lifestyle"). Usually if I start something, I'm pretty good about following through. Of course, the ONE thing that I NEED to follow through on the most, is the hardest for me. Dammit. I know I can do this. I just need to do it. I need to take a page out of Jessica's book and stuff my fridge with healthy (and not quite as delicious) food choices. So there's that.
Recommitment: Facebook.
No no silly peeps, I don't need to recommit TO Facebook. I need to take a step away from the book. I check it constantly. It's an addiction. So I am going to limit myself to checking it every other day and taking the FB notifications off my phone. I spend (read: waste) SOOOO much time on there it is ridiculous. FACEBOOK DOES NOT CONTROL ME!!!! ;)
Recommitment: Exercise.
Boooooo! When I was going to the gym with Brandon last year, I was soooo good about going everyday. We always had so much fun that it didn't seem like a work out as much to me. Another obstacle is I HATE just walking on a treadmill or stupid eliptical machine. Staring at a wall/tv/someone else for an hour is NOT good times. So I need to research some classes or something to do so that the thought of working out isn't what I dread everyday. A dance class or something.
Recommitment: Friendship.
I take pride in being a good friend. I love my friends and try to do what I can to help them and be there for them. But I had a gut check the other day that I'm not always a good friend to ALL my friends. I tend to have 1 or 2 people that I'm really close to at any given time, and I focus ALL my energy and loyalty to them. Which in turn makes me cancel plans, and kind of stop making efforts in other relationships in my life. There is one person in particular right now who I used to be super close to, who has been there for me more than anyone else in the world. Over the last 4 or 5 months, I've kind of let things fizzle out with him and I really need to make an effort to be a better friend to him. I have to learn from my mistakes. If you make one person your whole life, it's going to be a lonely day when (if for some reason) that person is no longer in your life. So I need to just be a more consistant friend to everyone and NOT just the people who are in my life on a daily basis.
Recommitment: Independence.
This is a big one for me. I've always, always struggled with this. I have a hard time being by myself. I like alone time, but it has to be when I choose to be alone, and not when I can't find anyone to do anything with. I've never been able to make decisions without running it past someone. I always need someone to validate my opinion and to validate me. I can't keep using friends/family/etc to be my crutch. I can't depend on anyone to "keep me in check" when it comes to dieting and exercising. I can't depend on anyone to make me pay my bills. I can't depend on anyone to tell me how to cut my hair or how to decorate my apartment or anything. I need to be able to do these things by myself. I'm 25 years old. It's time to cut the cord. I can't keep clinging to people and let other people define me.
This is OBVIOUSLY going to be a work in progress. But there it is.
Recommitment: Work.
Sometimes I am super driven and really good at following through with things. Sometimes... I am lazy. And I have been getting more and more lazy over the last couple of months. We are in this weird transition right now and one of the girls I work with KIND OF (read: ABSOLUTELY) makes me want to stab her in the neck with a dull pencil. So I am losing a lot of steam to actually want to get things accomplished. Good news is that she is transitioning to another role so hopefully (fingers crossed), she will be out of my hair and actually let me do my job. I really LOVE LOVE LOVE what I do. It's constantly changing and I love that. I don't get bored and people really make me feel like I make a contribution here, which is different from every other job that I've had. So I just need to get recommitted and stop focusing on possibly violent acts I could commit to said co worker. :)
Recommitment: Dieting.
AHHHHHH! I hate dieting. (Or not dieting, "change of lifestyle"). Usually if I start something, I'm pretty good about following through. Of course, the ONE thing that I NEED to follow through on the most, is the hardest for me. Dammit. I know I can do this. I just need to do it. I need to take a page out of Jessica's book and stuff my fridge with healthy (and not quite as delicious) food choices. So there's that.
Recommitment: Facebook.
No no silly peeps, I don't need to recommit TO Facebook. I need to take a step away from the book. I check it constantly. It's an addiction. So I am going to limit myself to checking it every other day and taking the FB notifications off my phone. I spend (read: waste) SOOOO much time on there it is ridiculous. FACEBOOK DOES NOT CONTROL ME!!!! ;)
Recommitment: Exercise.
Boooooo! When I was going to the gym with Brandon last year, I was soooo good about going everyday. We always had so much fun that it didn't seem like a work out as much to me. Another obstacle is I HATE just walking on a treadmill or stupid eliptical machine. Staring at a wall/tv/someone else for an hour is NOT good times. So I need to research some classes or something to do so that the thought of working out isn't what I dread everyday. A dance class or something.
Recommitment: Friendship.
I take pride in being a good friend. I love my friends and try to do what I can to help them and be there for them. But I had a gut check the other day that I'm not always a good friend to ALL my friends. I tend to have 1 or 2 people that I'm really close to at any given time, and I focus ALL my energy and loyalty to them. Which in turn makes me cancel plans, and kind of stop making efforts in other relationships in my life. There is one person in particular right now who I used to be super close to, who has been there for me more than anyone else in the world. Over the last 4 or 5 months, I've kind of let things fizzle out with him and I really need to make an effort to be a better friend to him. I have to learn from my mistakes. If you make one person your whole life, it's going to be a lonely day when (if for some reason) that person is no longer in your life. So I need to just be a more consistant friend to everyone and NOT just the people who are in my life on a daily basis.
Recommitment: Independence.
This is a big one for me. I've always, always struggled with this. I have a hard time being by myself. I like alone time, but it has to be when I choose to be alone, and not when I can't find anyone to do anything with. I've never been able to make decisions without running it past someone. I always need someone to validate my opinion and to validate me. I can't keep using friends/family/etc to be my crutch. I can't depend on anyone to "keep me in check" when it comes to dieting and exercising. I can't depend on anyone to make me pay my bills. I can't depend on anyone to tell me how to cut my hair or how to decorate my apartment or anything. I need to be able to do these things by myself. I'm 25 years old. It's time to cut the cord. I can't keep clinging to people and let other people define me.
This is OBVIOUSLY going to be a work in progress. But there it is.
Monday, February 15, 2010
..no more bitterness..
So normally I am the girl that is like "I HATE VALENTINES DAY! DEATH TO LOVE! DEATH TO COUPLES!" Ogre, ogre, ogre. I pretty much was planning on being that way this year too. I've never had an actual Valentine on Valentines Day. And OBVIOUSLY, as there is a holiday for it, everyone else in the world does. Haha. It's a bit depressing. But after this year, I kind of decided that I don't hate it as much as I had pretended. Do I have a boyfriend? No. Nothing has changed in that department. But I spent last night with Jessica and Aaron. We had the best night. We made heart shaped pizzas and ate food that was terrible for us. We watched lovey dovey movies and took pictures and had an amazing night. While I was with them, something clicked for me. As much as Valentines is commercialized as a "couples holiday", it really is just a day to celebrate love. And I am not lacking in that area. Friendship love is JUST as much worth celebrating as romantic love. I have people in my life who I can be completely myself with. Who I would do anything for. Who would do anything for me. That is WORTH acknowledging.
So I no longer am on the bitter betty wagon for V Day. I just changed what it meant to me. :)
So I no longer am on the bitter betty wagon for V Day. I just changed what it meant to me. :)
Monday, January 25, 2010
..more people that make my life wonderful..
I'm in the thankful type mood again. When I had everyone over for dinner last night, I was just sitting there thinking about the amazing people I have in my life. People who I can completely be myself with. We're not always mature. We're not always grown ups. We're not perfect. But we are loving life right now and they honestly make me such a happier person. So I wanna do a little shout out.
2) Gray. I have known Gray since he was a ripe little age of 15. Back in the day when we would make fun of him and try to convince him he was gay. We lost touch for a little while, but reconnected a few years ago. I'm woman enough to admit I had a teeny tiny crush on him. Obviously I got over that, but this past summer, he saved me. He came back full force into my life when I needed him the most. He was my run to guy. For everything. He defended me. He supported me. He consoled me when my heart was broken. He is so much younger than me but I look up to him so much. He is so driven and I know he is going to make a huge name for himself.
3) Aaron. He is another friend that I haven't known very long, but feel like I've known my whole life. Aaron is my pick me up. He tells me what I need to hear when I need to hear it. He never fails to make me feel better. He makes me laugh constantly. I don't feel like I ever have to impress him or be anything other than what I am. Aaron is the gay boy that if he were straight, we would get married. :) Maybe he is the gay boy that even though he is gay, we will still get married :) "We'll just have sex on the side, like married people do".
4) Lindsea. Oh how I love this girl. I don't think I've ever been this close to a friend girl. I just don't trust them. But Lindsea is completely different. Josh, Lindsea and Gray were LITERALLY the reasons that I made it through the summer. We were the Fantastic Four. Things have changed a little bit and we aren't able to hang out as much as we used to but I still adore her and she will continue to be one of my best friends always.
5) Matt. Amazing is what this boy is. He pretty much can outdance anyone that I know, and has a heart of gold. I have never met ANYONE like him. He is so comfortable with himself and that is such a foreign concept to me. I admire him so much for that. He makes me strive for that in my own life.
1) Josh. There is HONESTLY not enough that I could say about him. We've only been friends a little bit over 6 months, but I can safely say that he knows more about me than anyone. We've been through a boatload of things that secured this bond that we have and as hard as it was at the time, I am so extremely grateful for it. He is possibly one of the best people I know. He's 100% honest with me, which helps me put 100% trust in him. He's real & genuine and AMAZINGLY talented. He doesn't see that in himself sometimes, but luckily he has a best friend that has no problem reminding him. :) This little paragraph doesn't even do him justice, but I am truly, truly blessed to have him in my life.
2) Gray. I have known Gray since he was a ripe little age of 15. Back in the day when we would make fun of him and try to convince him he was gay. We lost touch for a little while, but reconnected a few years ago. I'm woman enough to admit I had a teeny tiny crush on him. Obviously I got over that, but this past summer, he saved me. He came back full force into my life when I needed him the most. He was my run to guy. For everything. He defended me. He supported me. He consoled me when my heart was broken. He is so much younger than me but I look up to him so much. He is so driven and I know he is going to make a huge name for himself.
3) Aaron. He is another friend that I haven't known very long, but feel like I've known my whole life. Aaron is my pick me up. He tells me what I need to hear when I need to hear it. He never fails to make me feel better. He makes me laugh constantly. I don't feel like I ever have to impress him or be anything other than what I am. Aaron is the gay boy that if he were straight, we would get married. :) Maybe he is the gay boy that even though he is gay, we will still get married :) "We'll just have sex on the side, like married people do".
4) Lindsea. Oh how I love this girl. I don't think I've ever been this close to a friend girl. I just don't trust them. But Lindsea is completely different. Josh, Lindsea and Gray were LITERALLY the reasons that I made it through the summer. We were the Fantastic Four. Things have changed a little bit and we aren't able to hang out as much as we used to but I still adore her and she will continue to be one of my best friends always.
5) Matt. Amazing is what this boy is. He pretty much can outdance anyone that I know, and has a heart of gold. I have never met ANYONE like him. He is so comfortable with himself and that is such a foreign concept to me. I admire him so much for that. He makes me strive for that in my own life.
6) Jessica. Another girl who I absolutely adore. I met her through Gray last summer. It was a super awkward meeting and I didn't really get to know her very well until this past fall. I'm so glad I did. She is such an unbelievable person. She has this strength about her that I just feed off of. She is so strong and motivated and just a great person inside and out. She has sincerely become one of my closest friends and I can't imagine my life without her.
So this was super cheesy. I don't care. I love my friends. I love my life. That's all. :)
..all growed up (or why living by yourself is awesome)..
I moved! Yay! My OWN apartment. Just me. No roommates. No refugees. Nothing. Just me. It's strange how much of a difference it makes, even in just the day and a half that I've been there. I feel happier (cheesy) already. It's mostly the little things that make a difference. I can turn the heater up however high I want. I can burn whatever scentsy smells I want. I had everyone over for dinner last night. I don't have to worry about anyone getting angry or upset if people are over late. I can watch what I want. I can do what I want. I've NEVER had this before. It just makes me feel so much more grown up.
At first I was really hurt and scared that I had to get a place myself. I felt like there was something wrong with me because all my old roommates moved in and got a place together and no one wanted to live with me. But I HONESTLY believe this was the best thing that could have happened right now. This is a HUGE step forward for me. And I'm really proud of myself.
:) 2010 is starting off the right way :)
At first I was really hurt and scared that I had to get a place myself. I felt like there was something wrong with me because all my old roommates moved in and got a place together and no one wanted to live with me. But I HONESTLY believe this was the best thing that could have happened right now. This is a HUGE step forward for me. And I'm really proud of myself.
:) 2010 is starting off the right way :)
Friday, January 8, 2010
..a few things i've learned over time..
So I've just been thinking about how much I've learned over the last few years. To a lot of people some of them are probably "Uhhh... it took you years to figure that out?" but... I have to figure things out for myself. And sometimes it takes awhile. Obviously these aren't ALL the things I've learned, but just a few more monumental ones for me specifically:
I've learned that no matter how much you care about someone, it doesn't guarantee they will be in your life forever. It doesn't mean that your bff is going to be your... bff. That in no way means that you shouldn't enjoy them while you have them, if anything, it's the opposite. Everyone comes into our lives for a reason (thank you Wicked), whether it be to teach us something or show us what we don't want out of life. But that's no guarantee that they will always be there. Just the lessons that they bring.
I've learned that sometimes... distance DOES make a difference. I'm an expert on this scenario. I've had pretty much all the important people in my life move away from me at some point or another. And not just down the street... out of the state, out of the COUNTRY. Everyone always says "Nothing will change... Things will be exactly the same". That's not true at all. Maybe you WANT them to be the same. Maybe you will TRY to make them the same. But if I see you every single day, and you move to a different state, things are going to change, no matter how hard you try to keep them the same. I've learned recently that even a SMALL distance can sometimes change things. It's almost sad that a difference of 15 minutes can seem like 3000 miles to some people.
I've learned that sometimes the people you put as priorities in your life, only put you as options in theirs. There is always going to be the person in any sort of relationship or friendship that cares more, that makes more of the effort. That's just the way it goes. And everyone is on both sides of that equation at some point, in some relationship in their life. Sometimes I get so frustrated with people who don't make as big as an effort as I do because I feel like if I care this much about you, you should care this much about me too. But in thinking about it, I would rather be the one making the effort. At least the people I care about absolutely know without a doubt that I do. There's never a question.
I've learned that you can't control your heart. I'm emotional. Yes. That is going to be my disclaimer through my whole life. People have told me many times that that is something I can control, and to some extent I believe that. But your heart is TELLING you what to feel. And maybe with no reason. Or really effed up reason. I've fallen for a couple people who completely crushed me. Not on purpose. Not through anything they can control (and I know those of you who REALLY know me, are laughing at this right now), but as much as they couldn't control hurting me and who they are, I couldn't control how I felt about them. That's just the way it goes sometimes.
I've learned that one person can change your life. Be it negative or positive, there are some people who can completely affect the person you are, or the person you are trying to become. Without you realizing it. I have gotten rid of a really negative person in my life and I have HONESTLY never felt better. I feel like the relationships in my life are healthier. I feel like I'm happier in general. There are so many past experiences that I've reflected on in the last few months and I just think to myself "How did you allow yourself to become that person?" There was a negative influence, but I LET myself become that person that I never wanted to be. I've repaired relationships that I never thought in a million years could be repaired. People from my past who are seeing me now and saying "THIS is the Tasha that I love. THIS is the Tasha I became friends with". It's an eye opening experience.
This may have sounded like a really negative post, but I didn't mean it that way at all. These are some things that have really stuck out to me over the last little while. The lessons that I've had the hardest time accepting. This is a new year and I think it's really important to live for me. To take every moment as it comes and not worry so much. To really make the most out of my life. Only I can do that for myself.
I've learned that no matter how much you care about someone, it doesn't guarantee they will be in your life forever. It doesn't mean that your bff is going to be your... bff. That in no way means that you shouldn't enjoy them while you have them, if anything, it's the opposite. Everyone comes into our lives for a reason (thank you Wicked), whether it be to teach us something or show us what we don't want out of life. But that's no guarantee that they will always be there. Just the lessons that they bring.
I've learned that sometimes... distance DOES make a difference. I'm an expert on this scenario. I've had pretty much all the important people in my life move away from me at some point or another. And not just down the street... out of the state, out of the COUNTRY. Everyone always says "Nothing will change... Things will be exactly the same". That's not true at all. Maybe you WANT them to be the same. Maybe you will TRY to make them the same. But if I see you every single day, and you move to a different state, things are going to change, no matter how hard you try to keep them the same. I've learned recently that even a SMALL distance can sometimes change things. It's almost sad that a difference of 15 minutes can seem like 3000 miles to some people.
I've learned that sometimes the people you put as priorities in your life, only put you as options in theirs. There is always going to be the person in any sort of relationship or friendship that cares more, that makes more of the effort. That's just the way it goes. And everyone is on both sides of that equation at some point, in some relationship in their life. Sometimes I get so frustrated with people who don't make as big as an effort as I do because I feel like if I care this much about you, you should care this much about me too. But in thinking about it, I would rather be the one making the effort. At least the people I care about absolutely know without a doubt that I do. There's never a question.
I've learned that you can't control your heart. I'm emotional. Yes. That is going to be my disclaimer through my whole life. People have told me many times that that is something I can control, and to some extent I believe that. But your heart is TELLING you what to feel. And maybe with no reason. Or really effed up reason. I've fallen for a couple people who completely crushed me. Not on purpose. Not through anything they can control (and I know those of you who REALLY know me, are laughing at this right now), but as much as they couldn't control hurting me and who they are, I couldn't control how I felt about them. That's just the way it goes sometimes.
I've learned that one person can change your life. Be it negative or positive, there are some people who can completely affect the person you are, or the person you are trying to become. Without you realizing it. I have gotten rid of a really negative person in my life and I have HONESTLY never felt better. I feel like the relationships in my life are healthier. I feel like I'm happier in general. There are so many past experiences that I've reflected on in the last few months and I just think to myself "How did you allow yourself to become that person?" There was a negative influence, but I LET myself become that person that I never wanted to be. I've repaired relationships that I never thought in a million years could be repaired. People from my past who are seeing me now and saying "THIS is the Tasha that I love. THIS is the Tasha I became friends with". It's an eye opening experience.
This may have sounded like a really negative post, but I didn't mean it that way at all. These are some things that have really stuck out to me over the last little while. The lessons that I've had the hardest time accepting. This is a new year and I think it's really important to live for me. To take every moment as it comes and not worry so much. To really make the most out of my life. Only I can do that for myself.
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